Mary Shelley's favourite player is well oiled
If you took the legs of Cristiano Ronaldo, the hair of Carles Puyol, the arms of Rory Delap and the feet of Lionel Messi, and crammed them all into the gangling frame of Peter Crouch, what would you have?

If your answer is a nightmarish, godforsaken mess of monstrous proportions, you're only half right.

Turns out, these are the elements that go into making up the world's ultimate footballer, as new Ivory Coast manager Sven-Goran Eriksson – in a totally off-the-cuff and unrehearsed statement made in complete independence of the concept's sponsor – explained:

"I've been lucky enough to work with many of the world's best footballers in my career, but this truly is the Ultimate Performing Player," said Sven.

"Within this one player Castrol has included all the attributes, both physical and mental, that a manager looks for in his signings."

And writers of horror fiction look for in their protagonists, no doubt.  

The Circus could not help but notice that of all the various physical bits and pieces selected for the world's ultimate player, genitalia was conspicuous by its absence . . . which probably explains why Sven was invited to the launch. Anyone notice if a man with a measuring tape was hovering close by?

And despite the assiduous research the good folks at Castrol undertook to piece together their champion, they somehow missed putting in the injury fakery of Sergio Busquets – an essential component in the game of any modern footballer.  

Credibility snookered
Australian Neil Robertson has become the first Australian since Eddie Charlton in 1975 to reach the final of the world snooker championships.

Robertson, who has been a professional since he was 16 and once had to borrow money from a friend to buy a vest fit for playing in, goes up against Graeme Dott for the title and a pot of £250,000.

Which is, by the by, just 11 grand less than the amount world number one John Higgins has been accused of agreeing to throw four frames in exchange for.

The news has cast somewhat of a shadow over Robertson's bid to become Australia's first ever world champ – back in the seventies Charlton lost a marathon final 31-30 in the salubrious surrounds of the Nunawading Basketball Centre.

Things have changed a bit now, of course. Today, the Crucible is the vastly more stylish venue; the sport is propped up by betting agencies; and it is both easier and more lucrative to lose than it is to win.

The Circus reckons it's enough to make even whispering Ted Lowe raise a shout.

And speaking of the 1970s
It is the 40th anniversary of the New York Knicks' famous 1970 NBA Championship win, and one fan has taken the reminiscence as an opportunity to highlight how the coverage of sport has changed in the intervening years.

Harvey Araton writes in the New York Times: "What today's young fan would find unacceptable and utterly preposterous about 1970 is that there was no free network access to Game 7 in the home-team market. The Knicks 113-99 victory was tape-delayed in the New York City area, per an agreement that ABC had with the NBA."

In unrelated news, yesterday's sell-out match between Collingwood and Carlton at the MCG was delayed into the home market per an agreement Channel 7 has with the AFL.

Food fight
Mike Tyson has a relationship with canoles, and it is not a happy one. No kidding:



Numbers game
34 – runs Australia won its opening match of the World Twenty20 tournament against Pakistan by
29 – balls faced by Australian batsman David Hussey in compiling 53 runs
182.75 – Hussey's strike rate for the innings
0 – number of contracts Hussey holds with Cricket Australia, one less than Brett Lee

Quote of the day
"We didn't throw the match but that's what it would have looked like if we did. And for all those muppets pre-game who were hoping that we would throw it then that's how it feels. Did you feel good watching this game? Did you feel anything other than utter humiliation and embarrassment? Did the thought of denying the mancs number 19 numb the pain of watching our beloved club put on a performance like that? No it bloody didn't."
- A Liverpool fan puts forward an alternative view to the popular belief that the team was right to lose 2-0 to Chelsea and deny Manchester United its 19th title.

Headline we'd like to read
Castrol Ultimate Player red carded for simulation


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