Like being in a Brian De Palma film

Unbeatable. That is how Franz Beckenbauer infamously described the future German team in the afterglow of a demolished Berlin Wall back in 1990.

As history attests, he was wrong. And the Socceroos were hoping to smear some more metaphorical blood over the elevator walls of German angst in their opening World Cup game.

Instead Australia, already dead at 2-0 down, had the head shot off its lifeless corpse when referee Marco Rodriguez showed Tim Cahill the red card after a poor tackle. It was like that movie . . . you know, Summer Holiday.

During the second half, the Germans were so comfortable they even took the time to looked miffed at Australia’s over-the-top aggression – which, if you ask your modern history teacher, is ironic.

So in the end, the Socceroos got fustigated 4-0, gave away 19 fouls to 10, had their defence torn to pieces and lost their best player for the next game; a must-win clash against Ghana, which was earlier victorious over Serbia.

Not an ideal start really.

Some guy on a blog somewhere probably summed it up best, but The Circus couldn’t be stuffed trowelling through that particular digital cesspit for a glimmering nugget, so excuse us as we slip into chat-roomese:

IT WAS A F***ING DISASTER!

But hey, credit where it’s due: Marco ‘Marching Orders’ Rodriguez still has the best hair in football.

Tried not to mention the war ... failed

The highlights weren’t all German. Lionel Messi was very good. Robert Green was very bad. But The Circus will come back to that because Messi was very good.

His coach, a short overweight man called Diego Maradona, says taking the ball off Messi is like taking chocolate from a kid.

It’s a confusing metaphor, especially since it’s a simile, but Maradona is a confusing short and overweight man. And no one has been taking the chocolate from him recently.

Anyway, has anyone noticed that Maradona is looking a lot like Saddam Hussein? If Saddam Hussein could do shit like this:

And has anyone noticed that Mark Bresciano looks like Mussolini? (and was equally as relevant to German success?)

And has anyone noticed that Michael Jordan looks nothing at all like Adolf Hitler, except for the 'tache? Oh wait – someone did.

And speaking of Hitler, has The Circus mentioned Podolski and Klose – other great German ring-ins?

It’s not easy being Green

Words fail. But moving pictures don’t: 

But it would not be a proper football tournament without an horrendous goalkeeping error from England. So for shutting out the abysmal distraction of the vuvezelas and returning South Africa 2010 to the comfort of familiarity, Green should be applauded.

Besides, there have been lamer efforts:

Even by Englishmen:

And it could have been worse. It could have been in the knock-out stages:

Going Gaga

Lady Gaga has done what the Proteas v West Indies couldn’t and dragged The Circus’s eyes from South Africa.

In response to finding photographers at a baseball game (who’d have thunk it?), Gaga cannily avoided unwanted attention, first by “kissing a random woman” (or randomly kissing a woman, or kissing a woman randomly) and then by stripping off and flipping the bird.

Thank god Maradona doesn’t mind getting his photo taken.

Numbers game

32 – world ranking of tennis player Lleyton Hewitt

2 – world ranking of Roger Federer

16 – matches since Hewitt defeated Federer

3 – sets Hewitt took to beat the Swiss in the Gerry Weber Open in Germany

1 – victory an Australian had in a German setting overnight

Quote of the day

“It is understood that Johns is struggling emotionally with the heady set of events that led to his resignation and spent most of yesterday sleeping” – Journalist Andrew Webster describes the effect of self-imposed stress, at least on Andrew Johns, who resigned from the New South Wales Origin camp after racially vilifying Greg Inglis.

Perhaps Pim Verbeek should just sleep off the next few days?

Headline we’d like to read

Lady Gaga shows for Argentina World Cup match, things get Messi