• Shower threesomes are especially lazy. You don't even have to shower after.
Comedian and SBS dating advice expert, Brydie Lee-Kennedy, gives you a guide to threesomes for the fundamentally lazy. Which is all of us really.
By
Brydie Lee-Kennedy

7 May 2014 - 11:44 AM  UPDATED 15 Sep 2015 - 5:23 PM

There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which...guys? GUYS? Where did everyone go? I promise this is the only reference to How I Met Your Mother that I’ll make in this article. Great, you’re back. Now can we talk about the inspired casting of Cristin Milioti as the mother? She is so...GUYS, SORRY, I WAS JOKING, I’LL BE GOOD NOW, I PROMISE.

There’s an episode of...That Show That I Definitely Never Watched Because I Am Cool And Discerning, called “Third Wheel”. In it, the protagonist- Wikipedia tells me his name is Ted, obviously I had to check- finds himself flirting with two women, who indicate that they might both be up for some action with him, Sex-wise. The prospect thrills and terrifies him and it all gets pretty complicated and also, yes, he is telling this story to his kids. Let’s glide right past that.

Pop culture is littered with tricksy and troublesome threesomes. Sex and the City, between its important representations of female friendship and consequence-free day drinking, featured two aborted threesomes with both Charlotte and Samantha denied being the trois in a ménage. I remember watching Wild Things when it came out in 1998, in what I can only describe as a gross example of parental neglect, and got the impression from that movie that group sex leads inevitably to murder and possibly speedboats. And the glorious Y Tu Mama Tambien culminated in... actually, I have no idea because Gael Garcia Bernal took off his clothes and then I passed out for 6 to 8 weeks.

The impression I was left with was that threesomes were a lot of damn work. Now, my attitude to sex roughly mimics Cookie Monster’s attitude to cookies (I’m talking old school here. Screw you and your “sometimes food”, parents of America). I’ve got a big appetite, I don’t mind making a mess and at the end of the day, someone’s hand will probably be up someone’s butt. However, I reckon C-Mon would agree that cookies taste better when they are delivered to you, on the couch, without you having to change into outdoor clothes. I’ve slept with housemates, is what I’m saying.

I am lazy, you guys, and to quote one of my favourite philosophers “I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.”

So I didn’t seek out threeways for a long time, choosing instead to invest in deep, one-on-one connections and more specific “Housemate Wanted” Gumtree ads. Oh, those wasted years. If only I had known then what I know now. What I discovered the first time I said “Yeah...I mean, sure, as long as your place is on my bus route”. For you see, the great secret of (two girls, one guy) threesomes is that, if you’re bisexual, they are the LAZIEST WAY YOU CAN POSSIBLY HAVE SEX. They are everything you like in one place. They are yin, they are yang. They are salted caramel. They are two genders, no waiting.

However, there are a few rules I have developed to ensure I am able to have maximum fun with minimal effort and I’m going to share them with you now. Feel free to appropriate them for your own tastes. The pronoun power is yours.

 

1)    Be The Third Wheel

Never have I ever had a threesome with someone with whom I’m in a relationship (I know, I’m basically a virgin). Now, don’t get me wrong. I thoroughly- THOROUGHLY- endorse the couples who do this. Without them, I’m back to my old three-way of me, wine and a Buffy marathon and season 6 always bums me out. But I haven’t done it because there is nothing lazy about being a threesome-having-couple. For starters, the logistical planning is almost always down to them because it’s their party and I’m their guest. Also, if there is any emotional fallout from the event, they have to deal with it. Jealousy and accusations are exhausting and I like a full 8 hours sleep. This brings me to…

2)    Figure Out Your Sleeping Arrangements In Advance

Some couples will be happy to share their bed overnight but some will not want you to sleep with them. Fair enough. Like I said, it’s their party. If this is the case, you have one of two options. Invite them over to your place- you won’t have to put shoes on but you will have to clean your room, so it’s kind of a wash- or try to finish up before public transport stops for the night. The third option is just to fall asleep but it’s kind of rude and so I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise.

3)    Use Protection

I mean, seriously. You know for sure that you are not these people’s only partner. For sure.

4)    Don’t Buy Your Drinks In Rounds

You will end up spending way more money than on a regular date and as a couple, they have a financial advantage over you. At least, I think they do? Something to do with taxes? Look, regardless, this is good advice.

And that’s it! Yes, I only have 4 rules. LAZY, remember? Try to keep up. You’ll notice that I haven’t got any rules about what you do once you’re naked together. That’s because that is none of my business. Actually, sure, one more rule:

5)    You Do You While You Are Doing Them

Figure out what works for you and don’t do anything that doesn’t.

 

You can now go forth and revel in your lazy screwing. In my experience, threesomes have never yet resulted in murder but nor have they resulted in speedboats, so swings and roundabouts I guess. Now can we please discuss the disastrous How I Met Your Mother finale? I mean, why would you spend a season setting up Robin and Barney and then...guys? Hello?

 

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