Through state of the art reporting techniques and blatantly making it up our political correspondent James Colley has managed to obtain News Corp's latest article on student protests prior to its publishing. What a scoop!
By
James Colley

23 May 2014 - 10:45 AM  UPDATED 6 Jul 2014 - 11:58 AM

Student protesters have come under attack this week from the Herald Sun, Daily Telegraph and even Minister for Education Christopher Pyne. And right they are to criticise. For too long these whiny babies have been screaming for the chance to learn and give back to society - some of the greedy totts even want to be capable of feeding and sheltering themselves while they study. This isn’t acceptable. That’s why we’ve put together a handy guide on how to be a good student protester.

  

  • Get a job. Unless that’s why you’re at University - To get a degree so you can get a job. Well... do it faster!

 

  • Realise that only the rich deserve education. You would know that already if you were rich enough to be properly educated.

  

  • Stop caring about your future! Live in the moment! YOLO. That’s a thing you kids like to say, right? YOLO!

 

  • Consider brutal police violence a free scholarship to the school of hard knocks.

  

  • Think of crushing debt as practical training for your economics degree.

 

  • Get yourself elected into Government. Then you can create policy that only serves your self interest. Don’t worry, we won’t pull you up on it.

  

  • Always treat the people disrespecting you and jeopardising your future with the utmost respect for some reason.

 

  • Stop complaining! Post-degree you’ll be earning more than the average Australian meaning you’ll only spend the next TWO decades paying off your crippling debt.

  

  • Before asking for benefits think about how many young people died in war. Maybe you should die in a war?

 
  • Try and write something inflammatory on your placard so we can focus on that instead of why you’re protesting. That helps us and you.

  

  • Just go back to being those apathetic layabouts that we always accuse you of being.

 

  • Stop pretending like our country needs doctors and nurses desperately. There is no shortage. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone who wants to revive it.

  

  • Prepare for Newstart cuts by weening yourself off food. 

 

  • Hit up one of your well-connected friends for $60,000 scholarships. It has worked before.

 

  • Understand that your elders know more than you. After all, they went to University. For free.

 

  • Just dip into your trust fund to pay for your degree. If you don’t have a trust fund then you should get one. They’re really handy.

  
  • Remember that a journalism degree isn’t worth much anyway. I mean - look at our coverage of these protests.

 

  • If you must protest do it in a respectful way. If a protest actually disrupts things people might start noticing it and we don’t want that.

  

  • Don’t get your photograph in the paper. No one will respect you if they know you care about your education.

 

  • If you sincerely do want an education then do your very best to not be born poor.

 

By following this handy guide you will save us the trouble of having to unfairly report on your protests. That’s good for us - the Photoshop department is costly and we don’t want to have to make cutbacks. Not sure if you’re aware but the job market is actually terrible right now. And it’s not like we can just go back to university and re-train. Apparently fees are set to hugely increase and students are getting none of the support they need to live. Someone ought to report on that.

 

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