Australian Politics is caught in a vicious gaffe cycle. Over the last few weeks we’ve heard that the poor don’t drive cars, Chinese people are mongrels, abortions lead to breast cancer and that Australia is open for business. All embarrassingly incorrect. In such a wild and unpredictable environment it’s hard to know what the next bizarre gaffe is going to be.
That’s where we come in. We’ve compiled a list of possible future headlines so you can beat the rush and be outraged now. While we can’t guarantee that everything in this list will happen, you can’t guarantee none of them will.
JOE HOCKEY CAUGHT IN DISABLED PARKING SPOT, ON DISABLED PERSON.
OPPOSITION LEADER BILL SHORTEN GETS TIE STUCK IN DESK, ALMOST STARVES IN OFFICE.
FRESH PHOTOS EMERGE OF GREENS MP ADAM BANDT PUNCHING A KOALA
ATTORNEY GENERAL GEORGE BRANDIS DENIES USING METADATA RETENTION SCHEME TO SEE IF EX-GIRLFRIEND CHECKS HIS FACEBOOK PAGE MORE THAN HE CHECKS HERS
PALMER CALLS ON CHINESE GOVERNMENT TO ‘NAME A CHAMPION FOR ONE-ON-ONE COMBAT’
BILLY HEFFERNAN REFUSING TO APOLOGISE FOR SNEAKING AN ARMOURED PERSONNEL CARRIER INTO QUESTION TIME
PENNY WONG LAUNCHES BIPARTISAN TIRADE ON SENATE FLOOR, CLAIMS SHE TIRES OF BEING ‘SURROUNDED BY FUCKWITS’
CHRIS PYNE REFUSING TO RESIGN AFTER BITING ALBANESE: ‘HE DESERVED IT AND WAS DELICIOUS’
JACQUI LAMBIE REFUSES TO APOLOGISE FOR LIST OF MPs WHO MOST RESEMBLE TESTICLES
JOE HOCKEY COMPLETES UNCOMMISSIONED SCIENTIFIC STUDY, CONCLUDES POOR PEOPLE ‘DRIVE, EAT AND BLEED’
CRISIS TALKS ENTER DAY 33 AS CHRISTINE MILNE REFUSES TO GET OUT OF TREE ON PARLIAMENT LAWNS
FRED NILE ATTEMPTS TO PROVE SLIPPERY SLOPE ARGUMENT BY MARRYING FAMILY DOG.
MOTORING ENTHUSIAST PARTY MEMBER RICKY MUIR RESIGNS FOLLOWING COMMENTS THAT ‘CARS SUCK’ AND ‘UNICYCLES ARE THE FUTURE’
SARAH HANSON-YOUNG REFUSING TO APOLOGISE FOR TUNNELING INTO MANUS ISLAND DETENTION FACILITY: 'IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO GET JOURNALISTS IN'
TURNBULL UNDER FIRE FOR RESPONDING TO NBN CRITICISM BY THREATENING TO 'SHUT THE WHOLE DAMN INTERNET DOWN SO NO ONE CAN HAVE IT'
Whether all or just some of these will come true is still to be seen. The only thing we know for certain is there will definitely be just enough of these silly little gaffes to ensure we will never have to focus on the important issues even for a second. What a relief!
More From SBS Comedy:
- More brilliant articles from James Colley like 'The Federal government's guide to metadata retention'
- Check out Comedian Omar Sakr's response to new terrorism laws
- Check out Jordan Shank on 'The Great Barrier Reef and why marine biologists have the world's worst job'
- Or perhaps something non politcal? Try 'Straight to video sequels you will hate to know exist'