Opposition leader Bill Shorten has created a scene at the National Press Club this morning as he fell to his knees begging and pleading for Tony Abbott to remain Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister has just moments earlier finished a speech to the gathered press and was facing an icy reception when the Opposition leader sprinted up the aisle and clinged to his leg, refusing to let go until Abbott promised to be Liberal leader forever.
“Please, please don’t leave,” said Shorten, crying into the Liberal Leader’s calf. “I need you. I can’t do this without you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You make this so easy!
“Without you I’d need to form a competent opposition. We both know I can’t do that. That’s why you’ve been helping me out by being your own opposition. It was so sweet of you. I’m not ready to say goodbye to that.
“I am just a boy, standing in front of a Prime Minister, asking him to please continue his systematic incompetency until I can be elected.”
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Abbott seemed touched by Shorten’s remarks as he carried the whimpering man out of the room.
“At this point it’s nice to have support from anyone,” he said. “It’s been so long since someone said that wanted me without adding the words ‘to leave immediately’.”
Having composed himself, Shorten briefly explained his outburst as uncontrollable passion.
“I apologise for any scene caused this morning but you must understand what this man means to me. Let’s be honest here - let’s be completely frank - as far as people go I am a small cup of yogurt. There is nothing inherently wrong with a small cup of yogurt but it’s also nothing impressive. It’s only when the yogurt is placed next to, say, wet garbage, that it begins to look like an exciting dietary choice.
“The Prime Minister has my full support. I’d much rather have someone who can’t get through his awful legislation than someone who can get through their pretty bad legislation. Please stay, Tony. Please. Australia needs you to continue to be terrible at your job, for the good of the nation.”
The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or used as an excuse to evoke violence.