The Liberal Party leadership is in turmoil as Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has refused to completely rule out the possibility that she will consume the still-beating heart of Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
Following days of growing backbencher dissatisfaction, Bishop has been approached multiple times from ministers expressing their support for her to devour the organ designed for pumping blood around Abbott’s body.
While Bishop has refused to actively tear into Abbott’s chest and claim the delicious heart for herself, she has remained open to the possibility of simply consuming the heart were it served on a silver platter.
“I am not seeking a tasty human heart,” said Ms. Bishop, “but were such a heart to be available it would be a waste to not consume it. That would be exactly the kind of governmental waste we’re trying to fight against.
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“The only shame here is usually when you devour the heart of a conquered foe you gain their courage. Unfortunately there isn’t an awful lot of that on offer here. Still, good bit of meat. Add a side of broccoli and a glass of tears and that’s dinner.”
Bishop did concede that were a leadership change to occur the spectacle of heart-devouring would certainly symbolise change to the Australian people.
“It’s a powerful departure, certainly,” she said. “For too long this government has been accused of being heartless. Now the people will have physical evidence of the contrary.
“We’re about the future. We’re about infrastructure, controlling the debt, devouring the hearts of our enemies and gaining their power. This is the Liberal Party.”
The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or used as an excuse to evoke violence.