Since the attempted Liberal leadership spill in February, many exciting new contenders have leapt to the nation's notice. Cartoonist and comedian David Blumenstein introduces these exciting new potential PMs!
By
David Blumenstein

3 Mar 2015 - 12:21 PM  UPDATED 11 Mar 2015 - 1:34 PM

THE FRONTRUNNER

 

Bull Tankburn

Age: 54

Prev Employment: Lawyer

Current Employment: Minister for Zingers

 

Strong, ambitious and politician-handsome. Nobody in the party likes him but few seem capable of besting him as he is capable of thinking and speaking simultaneously. Has Sun Tzu's "The Art Of War" tattooed on his parliamentary secretary's back for easy reference.

 

Advantages: Thinks for himself, but in a different way to Tony Abbott

Disadvantages: His feathered wings are held on with easily meltable wax

 

THE THINKTANK

 

Northshore Institute

Age: 67

Previous Employment: Lawyers

Current Employment: ?

 

A libertarian think tank inside one large suit. Many years of experience in creating policy and reframing the word "freedom" to suit itself. Can spontaneously regrow replacements for collective members who die or successfully run for office.

 

Advantages: Good at staying on-message

Disadvantages: Message sickens most Australians

 

THE FLAGS

 

Australian Flags

Age: 3

Previous Employment: Flags

Current Employment: Minister for Immigration

 

The flags are made of 500D spun polyester, which means that, although they spend most of their time indoors making decisions on asylum seeker policy, they also remain in good condition when flown in extreme weather conditions.

 

Advantages: Highly patriotic, incapable of making embarrassing gaffes

Disadvantages: Less effective as an opposition leader

 

THE NATIONAL

 

Barren Trust

Age: 45

Previous Employment: Small business owner

Current Employment: Minister for Not Closing The Local CFA

 

Outspoken cabinet member and voice for rural voters. As a National Party minister, would have to transform into a Liberal in order to become Prime Minister. This could be done by assembling a quorum in the House, using spiritualist techniques to summon the ghost of Robert Menzies and allowing the ghost to enter Trust through one of three appropriate holes.

 

Advantages: Has held a job

Disadvantages: Did not go to university with the other Liberals

 

THE DARK HORSE

 

Tony Abbott with John Howard in his mouth

Age: 57/75

Previous Employment: Journalist/lawyer

Current Employment: Prime Minister/Ex-Prime Minister

 

Sources within the Liberal Party have indicated interest in keeping Tony Abbott in the top job if he agrees to keep long-serving Prime Minister John Howard wedged between his tongue and soft palate during waking hours. Howard would be expected to write Abbott's speeches, run his office and keep his alveolar ridge clean.

 

Advantages: A spirited pugilist paired with a canny political operator

Disadvantages: Australia could decide it's sick of two PMs instead of just one

 

 

 


For all the latest comedy articles, videos and updates at SBS Comedy like us on Facebook and Twitter

Follow David on Twitter

More from SBS Comedy: