After having the audacity to ask a question about the government's tax cuts for the rich, Duncan Storrar has incurred the wrath several major newspapers and news services (all owned by the same person of course). Comedian Lucy Valentine helps other poor people avoid this terrible fate.
By
Lucy Valentine

13 May 2016 - 1:14 PM  UPDATED 13 May 2016 - 1:21 PM

Christ, the papers have really doubled down on old disabled, uneducated Duncan, haven't they? Tripled down, quadrupled down. At this rate he'll be revealed to have ISIS links by Monday. Cop that, poor person. That'll teach you not to ask things about things.

 

In case you missed it, Dunc committed the heinous crime of questioning the powerful on Q&A about the benefit of tax cuts for those with high incomes who won't even notice the difference, when a bit of extra money would be life changing to a bloke like him. In a display of spectacularly missing the point, many people (with money) argued (while having lots of money) that Duncan on welfare would pay no net tax therefore his point is invalid. There's also a lot of grosser comments about people on welfare, if you look basically anywhere on the internet.

 

Conveniently, Duncan is not a 'perfect victim.' Of course, this one particular dude being dodgy logically entails that nothing he says or asks is valid. This has been made clear by the past 4 days of front-page stories about him paying no tax (a thing large corporations never do), his son saying he's a bit of a dickhead, and today's exposure of his criminal past. That's some serious digging into one specific bloke's personal circumstances. It's almost as if his question really pissed people off, people with reach and power.

 

In case you're a disadvantaged and vulnerable person feeling the urge to politely question the fabric of our capitalist society, I've put together a handy guide to how to be poor and not upset anybody rich and powerful.

 

1. Be grateful for everything the rich have deigned to bequeath unto you.

 

Your pittance of Newstart or study allowance is a gift granted by the extremely benevolent Taxpayer. 'Taxpayer' is a specific title, one you can refer to yourself as before yelling at those less fortunate than yourself for having opinions. I myself received welfare payments while I was studying & unemployed, but now as a Taxpayer I'm allowed to look down upon those who are currently struggling and tell them to be grateful I fund their 'lifestyle' of stress and hunger. Ugh, finally! You should probably send every Taxpayer a  bunch of thank-you flowers, just in case you seem ungrateful for the absolute baseline we do in assisting fellow humans. I like tulips.

 

2. Don't have done anything wrong, ever.

 

If you've ever committed a crime or have done drugs, what kids are calling 'smoking the dope,' you'd better stay poor and quiet. We have no room for nuance in morality here, so if you've done anything bad you've abandoned your right to political opinions. Rich people famously have never done wrong things. If you even consider writing an angry letter to your MP, the Herald Sun are legally required to show up at your door with a front page story on that copy of Nellyville you pinched from Sanity in 2002.

 

3. Don't have kids if you're poor

 

Are you kidding, mate? Ship those little ones straight off to the baby farm, or adoption clinic, whatever it's called. How very dare you spawn without a financial situation that would certainly remain stable forever and some kind of divine ability to see into the future. Are you in the X-Men? That's fucking cool. But if not, your kids deserve to starve and go through life with deep disadvantages so they can repeat the cycle of poverty again. As a Taxpayer, why should I have to support YOUR bad choices and be a decent person who believes all children deserve an equal opportunity in life and no one should suffer in poverty? Bloody unbelievable.

 

4. Be so disabled you are literally dead.

 

If you are or know anyone who is on a disability pension, you'll know there's no such thing as disabled enough in the eyes of the able-bodied public. Get more disabled. Go break all your limbs and get 8 kinds of cancer. Be a blind, deaf paraplegic. Well, you could probably still work if you made the effort, couldn't you? You're not allowed to complain about your life being difficult and unfair until you are literally dead. I, a Taxpayer, once had a really bad cold and I still managed to work. All you've got to do is stop whining and get on with it. Geez, some people just want to live their entire lives off the public teat.  

 

But enough about our politicians! I'm here all week, try the veal.

 

 

 

 


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