The Australian Federal Police have executed two searches on ALP electoral offices over leaks relating to the National Broadband Network, with slow upload speeds allegedly forcing the officers to have to collect documents in person.
While reports are still trickling in this morning, the AFP have claimed that the raids were in relation to the leaking of documents related to the underperformance of the NBN rollout - and while they would have loved to avoid a raid entirely, it was simply taking to long to sit around and wait for the files to upload.
“This is of course a last resort,” said one officer. “We do not take to invading the offices of a politician during an election campaign lightly. It’s just - christ these things take a long time to download. It’s really, very slow.
“We are just trying to get to the bottom of our investigation. It’s a long process. We need to know who revealed that the internet in Australia was really, disappointingly slow. We’ve reduced our list of suspects to ‘anyone who has ever used it’.
The AFP are denying the raids are politically motivated saying that such a suggestion is ludicrous.
“It really is pretty basic to believe these raids would be politically motivated. Like, really, think about the Government plotting to have a massive scandalous news stories centred entirely around one of their largest failures and policy disappointments. That’s more of a Labor move, anyway.
“This was just another routine run-of-the-mill police raid of a federal politicians office just to keep the fear alive, you know? Just to keep them on their toes. Heck - if this brings NBN policy back to the forefront of the election, so be it! At least we’ll be able to torrent Game of Thrones a little faster.”
The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or before operating heavy machinery.