Healthcare? Education? No thanks. Isn't it about time politicians won our votes by finally answering the important questions? Comedian Nicholas Fischer wants to know how the candidates plan to deal with the threat of Godzilla. Then maybe he'll consider giving them his vote.
Nicholas Fischer

23 Jun 2016 - 1:16 PM  UPDATED 23 Jun 2016 - 3:21 PM

The Australian federal election is drawing ever closer, and yet to my complete dismay all of our political parties have failed to address the real issue affecting the nation. All this talk of education, of the economy, and of health doesn't mean a thing to me, the average punter. I speak for silent undecided majority when I demand of you, hopeful Australian political candidates, that you lay out your response plan in the event that an ancient violent sea monster powered by nuclear radiation is awoken and begins to terrorise Australia’s cities. Don’t get me wrong, I think funding for health and education is great, but these are fringe issues. The health of our banking system isn’t going to matter if a pre-historic mythic creature emerges from the deepest parts of the Pacific Ocean to unleash its atomic breath to flatten the CBDs of our nation’s capitals. Let’s get real.


We need to start talking about the threat of Godzilla lest we leave ourselves vulnerable to attack, appearing weak on a global scale and looking like complete idiots.


Being “not real” is no excuse. What is your plan to defend against an attack from Godzilla?


I’m not stupid. I understand that Godzilla is a fictional monster created by Tomoyuki Tanaka, Ishiro Honda, and Eiji Tsuburaya in 1954 in an attempt to anthropomorphically appropriate apocalyptic nuclear fears felt by the Japanese populace after World War II. But that is no excuse. We need a plan of action. Think I’m a crazy conspiracy theorist nut, do you? Why in the world would we shift vast government resources to militarily defend against a threat that was known to fictitious? To that, I say this: did the fictitious threat of communism spreading to Australia stop us bravely invading and defeating the sovereign nation of Vietnam in the 1970s? Did the complete bullshit that Iraq’s Dictator Saddam Hussein was hiding mass weapons prevent from us from the heroic acts of bombing Iraqi civilians thus giving them freedom? Has the fact of people fleeing atrocious living conditions ever halted our noble efforts to put them in cages? No. This country has a proud history of defending ourselves against unfounded and often ludicrous threats. And no one is getting my vote until I’m shown a plan of how to send a giant fire breathing lizard back straight back to darkest parts of the ocean.


We need more films to portray the danger of Godzilla


Like many, I have been impressed with the quantity of Godzilla related safety and hazard videos produced over the last 60 years but do you think we could do more? Sure, we accurately illustrate Godzilla’s behaviour by showing her picking up a bus, shaking the bus, looking inside the bus, and then throwing the bus away, but does that really improve the public’s awareness of the danger of Godzilla? Where are the real consequences of a Godzilla attack? Now you might say we don’t need to show the actual consequences because it’s all fictitious, but what does that teach our children? If we don’t conflate this imaginary threat how will they grow up and become normal adults who are afraid of everything? Are we just going to have a generation of people feel confident and safe in the knowledge that nothing is out to attack them? I didn’t think so. We need more awareness films that show real consequences of a godzilla, like another one in which she fights King Kong.


Will you commit the money to defend against Godzilla?


The Barracuda Class submarines being built in Adelaide are at most are only able to carry 4 Black Shark Torpedoes. While it is impressive how the brushless motor design and aluminium-silver oxide battery combination significantly improves missile performance at lower depths, it is still not fast enough to catch Godzilla while in a water environment where she is able to move significantly faster than the top 50 knots the missile is able to obtain. Furthermore, the the ship's anti-ship Exocet missile has a payload limited to a mere 165 kg which will not be enough to penetrate Godzilla's outer amour. Instead of buying the incredibly useless and expensive barracuda class, why wouldn’t you buy better more anti-Godzilla relevant submarines? Something that is able to carry at least 1 million nuclear warheads would be a good start. Thanks.


Would you commit to entering a collective security pact with Mothra or MechaGodzilla?


I don’t like it either but if I’ve learnt anything from my research into defeating Godzilla, it’s to pit him against another giant monster. I was impressed with how Mothra, a giant moth, managed to defeat Godzilla in the 1993 awareness video Godzilla vs Mothra. Perhaps we could use some realpolitik and come to an agreement with Mothra to defend us. And while it might be true that we wouldn’t be able to trust a giant insect who destroys cities in order to protect our cities, we must pair that alliance with MechaGodzilla, who is either an extra-terrestrial villain sent from outer space to destroy Tokyo or a Japanese manufactured replica of Godzilla used to defend against her. Either way, the most important issue to get across is that safety of all Australians is of the utmost importance.


In this nail biting election it may come down to only a few votes that make or break a new government. The people of Australia do not want to be eaten by giant monsters. To all politicians out there campaigning, maybe a way to get your cushy seat back is to listen to them for once.



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