Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has admitted he’s truly frightened that there’s even a slight chance he might be the next Prime Minister of Australia.
Shorten, whose fate hangs in the balance this afternoon, claimed he never really thought he’d win and was more campaigning for the fun of the whole thing:
“I just needed something to do,” he told The Backburner. “I was just kicking around home feeling pretty bored, to be honest. I thought - you know - I have a couple of months free. Why not run for Prime Minister?
“I didn’t think I’d actually have a shot at it! I mean, my campaign was mostly based on owning a bus and saying that Medicare was good. Who knew that that would be enough?
“Honestly, it still doesn’t look like I will have to be Prime Minister - but imagine if I won!? Oh my god. Prime Minister Bill Shorten. Ha. Who would have thought that a few months ago? Even my high school yearbook voted me least likely to make a difference. It was pretty mean of them but I have to say it felt accurate to me.
“Wait - does this mean people will have to pay attention to me? Like, if I’m Prime Minister and I tell you to come into my office you’d probably have to do it, right? And what if I wasn’t saying come into my office - what if I was saying come to my birthday party? Same deal, yeah? Oh wow. This could be terrific.
“I mean - it still probably won’t happen - but if it did.. Wow.. if it did, I would really, really enjoy those three months before Albo takes the job off me and refuses to give it back.”
The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or before operating heavy machinery.