Actual newspaper and not just a terrible joke 'The Australian' have just released an article decrying the evils of 'the hipster cafe' and how our need to consume breakfast may be stopping young people from affording property. Comedian Deirdre Fidge agrees, allow her life story to be an example to the rest of you.
By
Deirdre Fidge

17 Oct 2016 - 1:10 PM  UPDATED 17 Oct 2016 - 1:10 PM

Young people are notoriously horrible and as a group are responsible for the entire degradation of society. There, I said it.

 

As much as I am loath to admit, I have been cursed with the affliction of being a young person. That’s right dear readers - I’m a millennial. Please do not hold that against me.

 

You see, I’m one of the good ones. The majority of my peers waste their time partying and downloading apps instead of growing old and dying. Not me: I know the importance of hard work and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and am a proud homeowner of a moderately-sized castle.

 

The key to my success? Cutting out brunch.

 

Just last week I saw a young person order a $22 smashed avocado and crumbled feta on five-grain toasted bread. How do I know this? Well folks, I spend far too much time thoroughly eavesdropping on and memorising other people’s brunch orders. I wasn’t even there to order anything - I just enjoy spending my weekends making rash judgements of strangers from atop my pedestal. There, I said it.

 

Young people are constantly complaining about rising house prices while eating brunch? It is ludicrous. Don’t they realise enjoying a meal outside of your home is a luxury only to be enjoyed by wealthy middle-aged home-owners? There, I said it.

 

Back in the good old days, brunch didn’t exist - you fueled yourself on the way to work purely by the energy of the sun like a lizard. Brunch is a social construct invented by hipster youths who are foolishly paying off their university debts instead of saving for retirement or complaining about political correctness. THERE, I SAID IT.

 

One doesn’t have to be a financial wizard to calculate that $22 a week put aside into a Dollarmites bank account would quickly amount to a deposit for a house. And that is exactly what I did.

 

As soon as I stopped eating avocado on toast, my life changed - I had so much extra money for rent, bills, travel costs and health insurance! I swam in gold coins like Scrooge McDuck, also sans pants (trousers are also a luxury).

 

One weekend I was invited out to breakfast with friends, and I laughed in their faces, as these poor fools could not see they were wasting the equivalent of a home loan on an egg. I no longer associate with these irresponsible egg-loving hooligans.

 

My landlord advised that they were increasing the rent on my current abode and I simply laughed in his face, for I had already obtained the key to financial freedom. I laughed and laughed, as without going to cafes I had so much time to spend enjoying my newfound liberty. I laughed for approximately thirty-seven minutes until he asked if I was unwell.

 

The bill for my car registration and insurance came in the mail, and I laughed in its little paper face. All I had to do was stop eating avocado on toast and I was easily able to pay the $1500 payment.

 

Fellow youths, put down your skateboards and virtual reality headsets for a moment and think about your future. I’m sharing this advice with you because it is my hope that you will understand how easy it is to live the life you’ve always wanted. (Also being condescending is oddly satisfying)

 

It is worth noting that I was able to afford a large castle because I also gave up my weekly latte. You don’t have to sacrifice all the good things; keep your coffee and you’ll still find yourself in a lovely 3-bedroom by the end of a few weeks/decades.

 

Say goodbye to your $30,000 a year avocado habit, and say hello to a home loan. There, I said it.

 

NB: In the interest of honesty, I should disclose that my wealthy parents gifted me a large sum of money which assisted in purchasing the castle. But the majority of funds were probably from the no-avocado thing.

 

 

 


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