Appearances can be deceiving. Looking at cute animals on the internet can be a good way to tune out of the relentless waves of outrage and aggression that wash through our feeds, and form a sort of currency of affection when sent between friends. It’s always nice to send a friend a token of your appreciation that isn’t a dick-pic. As a side note, looking at cute pictures can help us work out our aggression, which is as cool as it is mildly worrying.
We’ve always just accepted that cute animals probably have cute thoughts. If we’ve thought about it at all (I have). Most memes, like the ‘I can haz cheeseburger’ phenomenon, indicate that the cuter the animal, the littler and cuter its little cute brain must be and the fluffier and more adorable its thoughts. But with recent advances in cute-animal mind-reading technology, we’ve been able to interview a few adorable little beasties, and we’ve found that appearances can be deceiving.
Here are 5 animals with troubling political positions.
This adorable little sloth likes to eat buds, tender shoots, and leaves, mainly of Cecropia trees, to be gently petted with just a fingertip while it clings to something, and to rage against the lax morals of a post-modern ethical framework. “In my opinion, Putin”, sloth declares, “is the only leader who dares raise the banner and openly, without excuses, declare that he will defend traditional values.” He yawns. “The debauched modern culture makes a mockery of what god and nature has dictated, and I for one am sick of it.”
You’re not quite sure what he means by traditional values, or what god and nature’s dictates, but you don’t want to ask. And he is pretty adorable.
This kitty is so cute she doesn’t even know which side’s right side up! But she does know how she feels about asylum seekers! Aside from chasing after laser pointers on the walls, kitty feels that the left are focusing too much on the problems of “queue jumping illegals” when “we have thousands of homeless people in Australia already”.
This tiny blissful piglet likes ice-cream and posing for photographs, and hates that feminists are dominating popular discourse at the cost of men. Why do women always complain about being excluded from traditionally masculine power-positions like boardrooms and politics when they’re not fighting to do the traditionally masculine dirty and dangerous work as well? Where are the women fighting to get into mining or garbage collection? You’re right piggy. It’s a double standard. Soothe your troubled heart with some ice-cream.
These baby platypuses are velvety smooth and wrinkly-grumpy. Their little hands are probably cool and damp but their bellies are warm. They think that hysterical libtard lefties are trying to shut down free speech, and spend their spare time on 4Chan, fighting for the right to complain about ‘the jews’.
This happy puffer fish looks up at you with trusting eyes, believing in the beauty of god’s creation and that abstinence only education is the best way to keep your children from sin. Sex education just shows children a range of options for depravity, and teaching them about contraception will only lead to reckless underage fucking. Keep their minds clean, and remember your girls’ best protection from the sexual lusts of men is to maintain her modesty.
This angry birdy wants to let the invisible hand of the free market have free reign. She believes taxation is just a euphemism for theft by an aggressive state, and that an unregulated market will allocate our increasingly scarce resources more efficiently.
So there you have some very cute animals with some very troubling political opinions. This is what happens when you eat a banana and go to sleep while trying to contemplate the essential quality of the Internet.