Oh, how I long for the days when people could assume I was a mail order bride.
Sure, there's the implication that your partner is a desperado who has to pay to find a mate and/or has a weird fetish for young, usually Asian women. And that the "bride" is also a desperado (to escape her country) and uneducated (because why else would she need to sell herself?). But luckily I'm such a narcissist, that when someone referred to me as a mail order bride twenty years ago, I still managed to find it a compliment; because there's also the implication that you're a young, HOPA (hot piece of ass) - and what woman doesn't want to be thought of as that?
Who cares if it's a nasty stereotype that defines people by their appearance? I didn’t agree when Derek Zoolander said there’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking – we all know there’s not.
Alas, at the geriatric age 40.75 (note the crucial 0.75), without a trace of hotness to speak of, it saddens me to think I could no longer be mistaken for a mail order bride when I'm with a white man. Or the nanny to our kids. Or even his maid. You know, someone not white, so obviously in a less powerful position than the dude she's with, but obviously youthful and younger.
So when a week ago Robert E. Kelly's family became an internet sensation after his BBC Skype interview, and some people assumed that his wife Kim Jung-A was either the maid or the nanny, I didn't understand why the Kellys claimed they felt "uncomfortable" about that assumption.
I mean, sure, she's obviously a kick-ass mum who's the woman beside the man in front of the camera, and as we discovered later, at the very least proficient in two languages and a yoga instructor. But my sage advice to her is that she should focus on where a woman's value truly lies - her youth and attractiveness - and enjoy it while it lasts.
Because, I now know from bitter experience that there's nothing sadder than being 40.75 and knowing your partner will never again be asked: "How'd you bag this one? Mail order bride?" Or having people assume I'm young enough to be the nanny. And everyone having a good chuckle about it and forgetting about the actual answer to the question, which is that we met in a Constitutional Law lecture when we were doing our Law degrees. Or that I was born in Australia and "speak really good English" for someone who was actually born and educated here, and is not white. You know, like millions of other Australians.
Look, I'm a pragmatist. Even though it's 2017 and in all seriousness I was heart-broken to see how the internet was flooded with conversations about whether Kim Jung-A was the nanny or the maid or Kelly's wife, I accept there's still a lot of idiots with a missisippi in the 1950s mentality those who need help opening their minds. So, I've put together the below quiz to raise awareness and educate.
DEFINE THIS WOMAN: NANNY, MAID, OR MAIL ORDER BRIDE?
1. Wendy Deng Murdoch (when she was married to Rupes)
Nanny, maid, mail order bride, or Yale graduate and businesswoman?
2. Priscilla Chan (married to Mark Zuckerberg)
Nanny, maid, mail order bride, or paediatrician and philanthropist?
3. Kim Jung-A Kelly (married to BBC Skype Dad)
Nanny, maid, mail order bride, or yoga teacher and the woman destined to become the badass sock-sliding, multi-tasking-mother/supportive-wife viral sensation?
And just to be helpful, I've included these examples so anyone can ace this quiz:
A mail order bride:
Answers: if, after you've searched your soul, and delved into the dark recesses of your mind, you remain in genuine need of answers to this quiz...well, then, this former HOPA can’t help you.