Ah, it’s so good to speak with you, George Christensen. I understand that you’re in a little bit of a pickle right now re: that neo-Nazi podcast you were on back in February.
You’ve made a very, very valiant effort in redeeming yourself by trying to block American neo-Nazi Mike Enoch from visiting Australia. He was invited by white nationalists The Dingoes – the very same people whose podcast you so graciously appeared on. This is obviously an extremely unfortunate overlap, and people are going to ask questions. Difficult questions, like “Why did you appear on a neo-Nazi podcast, you idiot?” and “Hmm, you appeared on a neo-Nazi podcast. Why did you do that?”
And frankly, George, you’re going to need far better reasons for why you decided that showing up on white nationalist podcast was a deft political move. Trying to block them from bringing other neo-Nazis into the country is a good start – but you’ll need a better reason for why you were ever associated with them in the first place.
Enter me, expert brand consultant. George – I have an excellent and legitimate list of reasons for why you might have appeared on the Nazi podcast, as brainstormed by my team of crisis management virtuosos. Feel free to use any or all them.
You thought that the anti-Semitic, white nationalist podcast was actually a broadcast of the ABC’s Q&A
You only went onto the podcast to explain to the hosts that the Nazis were actually extremely bad dudes
When you heard the word ‘Nazi’ you thought they actually said ‘Tazos’ – those weird little plastic discs that came in bags of chips. You were more than happy to discuss Tazos on a podcast
You accidentally got the Third Reich confused with the Red Cross Blood Donation Drive, and were just interested in stepping up to the plate
It wasn’t you on that podcast, it was actually your evil twin brother with the same name
You accidentally called in to the Nazi podcast while you were trying to call your mechanic to get a quote on a new set of windscreen wipers
You accidentally called in to the Nazi podcast while you were trying to call the local Dominos Pizza to ask if they still do that garlic bread deal you saw on telly the other day
You accidentally called in to the Nazi podcast while you were trying to call an anti-Nazi hotline – not to report anyone, just to say what a good job they’re doing
You accidentally butt-dialed the Nazi podcast but stuck around for an hour and half just to be polite
You did call, but once they started talking about Nazi stuff you didn’t want to be the first one to hang up. It’s so awkward!
You made the extremely relatable mistake of completely forgetting what the Nazis were all about, but remembered just after you hung up
You are a fine appreciator of Hitler’s paintings, and really only wanted to talk about that aspect of his life
You feel a bit guilty about all that Nazi gold you’re hoarding, and just wanted to give a little back
You thought it was a Doctor Who podcast
You weren’t entirely sure what a podcast actually is but were too embarrassed to reveal that by saying no
A ghost did it
A wizard did it
A literal dingo did it
You did it as a grave warning to anyone else who would be stupid enough to think appearing on a clearly signposted white nationalist podcast was anything but the stupidest goddamn idea on the entire planet
Yeah, go for that one George. That’ll work a bloody treat.