Property developer Tim Gurner thinks Millennials need to skip the coffees and smashed avo if they want to be successful, just like he was... also he inherited $34,000, but it was mainly the coffee skipping. Comedian Deirdre Fidge couldn't agree more.
By
Deirdre Fidge

15 May 2017 - 1:30 PM  UPDATED 15 May 2017 - 1:30 PM

My peers often look to me for advice. This doesn’t surprise me: I’m young, successful and more attractive than them. It would be rude of me not to share my wisdom with fellow millennials, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

 

You see, I am not just successful at first glance (see above re: my youthful attractiveness); my bank account is testament to the fact that I have worked hard. There is truly no better indicator of a person’s character or drive than the amount of money they have… except of course, by assessing the amount of properties one owns. And boy howdy, do I own a lot of houses.

 

Some media outlets say our country is experiencing a housing affordability crisis, but my response to them is to simply pull a weird face and say “shmousing shmaffordability shmisis” in a hilarious voice.

 

My number one tip for people wanting to enter the property market? Well, that’s easy: inherit wealth.

 

Start Young

 

It’s never too young to start inheriting money. You don’t often think of teenagers as being the most savvy budgeters, but I was only 19 when I received $40,000 which goes to show how stereotypes about youthful spending are wildly inaccurate!

 

It was tempting to spend all the money on yo-yos and Slurpees like my idiot friends suggested, but I knew I should invest wisely if I wanted to be featured in smug articles like this in the future.

 

Keep It In The Family

 

I was fortunate enough to receive the aforementioned money from my Grandpa, but don’t get me wrong - I am aware that not everyone has a wealthy grandfather willing to gift them with a significant amount of cash. Some people have wealthy grandmothers.

 

Other folks have childless aunts who die young. Some people have generous godparents. Maybe your parents had a lucrative life insurance policy and die in a horrific emu attack which left you orphaned and alone. Cha-ching!

 

The bottom line is it doesn’t matter who bestows this enormous amount of cash to you. It’s what you do with it.

 

Business Investments

 

If I was a smarter child I would have inherited money earlier, but I didn’t waste time lamenting on past mistakes. I grabbed my bootstraps, pulled myself up and stomped all the way to a local business that was available to purchase.

 

The current owners were shocked when I strode in. They claim this was because I was still gripping my bootstraps, bent over like an alien creature and heavily sweating, but I know it was because they were awestruck by my youthful determination.

 

My journey was not without challenges. The business was listed as a “fixer-upper” which initially made me hesitant, and I became stressed. That 30-second interval before I remembered that I had thousands of dollars to make the necessary upgrades was the toughest moment of my life.

 

Rethink Your Lifestyle

 

It’s time for some tough love. Certain sacrifices must be made if you want to enter the property market and that includes lifestyle changes. This generation watches television shows like Neighbours and thinks that is reality, but it’s not. Owning a three-bedroom house is not normal. Driving a car made after 1995 is not normal. Karl Kennedy is not even a registered doctor.

 

Will you really need that $4 coffee when you learn it equates to 0.00266666% of a $150,000 home deposit? I am not a mathematician - just a humble millionaire - but it just might be the coffee holding you back.

 

Start Today

 

There is no time like the present to stop wasting money on takeaway drinks and start focusing on inheriting wealth. Ask yourself one question: what can you do today that will help you inherit money? If you’re lucky, the answer will be to do nothing at all.

 

 

 


For all the latest comedy articles, videos and updates at SBS Comedy like us on Facebook and Twitter

Follow Deirdre on Twitter

More From Deirdre:
Gifts That Say ‘I Remembered Mother’s Day But I’m Still A Thoughtless Piece Of Sh*t’
So it's Mother's Day, and you've remembered. Congratulations to you, the parade in your honour is scheduled for later today. Everyone knows that your mum is happy as long as you put in the slightest effort in recognising how much she has done for you. Comedian Deirdre Fidge has the list of gifts to give your mum if you couldn't be bothered trying.

More From SBS Comedy:
Redfoo and other people Trump Should Consider For Comey’s Old Gig
In a move that shocked the world Trump announced the firing of FBI Director James Comey, but who will replace him? Comedian Nayuka Gorrie has some ideas.
I tested the dunny water in Australian suburbs so Scott Morrison won’t have to
With the future promise of drug testing for welfare recipients comedian Lucy Valentine decided to take some incentive and do it herself. The results will shock you.
Where the hell does Eurovision even come from?
The Eurovision grand final is almost upon us but where did this mysterious insanity come from? None can say for sure but comedian Alice Fraser has some theories on it's shadowy origins.