It’s likely that no first presidential term in the history of the United States has been as consistently littered with controversy and scandal as Trump’s has been. His first 116 days have been a cavalcade of allegations, firings and media gaffes; his administration has been beset by allegations of collusion with Russia; and now Trump himself is being accused of obstruction of justice for telling former head of the FBI James Comey to stop the investigation into former national security advisor Mike Flynn.
Flynn was forced to resign after only a brief 24 days as national security advisor over concerns he had misled the government about receiving funds from Russia. According to Comey, Trump asked for the investigation to be dropped in a meeting shortly after Flynn’s resignation and, becoming aware that a case could be made against the president, Comey recorded the conversation in a memo.
That memo, though its contents have been heavily speculated upon and partially discussed with the New York Times, is yet to be released to the public. Until now. Through sources we can’t disclose that are highly unlikely for an Australian government broadcaster’s online comedy division to possess, we’ve been given access to the full document and believe it is our duty to share it.
Hopefully, some semblance of justice can be served:
MEMO - 02/14/2017 - WHITE HOUSE
Oval office meeting with Trump today, I’m beginning to become concerned about his ability to act in accordance with the dignity, integrity and impartiality required of POTUS. He raised several talking points which made me feel deeply uneasy and which prudence dictated I document here, in this memo that I probably won’t ever have any reason to release to the public.
The first and most pressing point is that the man seems convinced that everyone on TV is real. Obviously, as long as he’s watching the news, this is not a major issue, but he also seems to believe that every fictional show is a documentary. At one point, apropos of nothing, he asked me “You know that yellow guy. The yellow guy with the kids. That, uh, what’s his name – Homer, something? Simpson? That Simpson guy. Great guy. How old do you think he is now? Can we invite him to the White House, you think? I love that guy. Amazing. Always makes me laugh.”
When I attempted to tell him that the show was both fictional and a cartoon and that, technically, Homer does not age, he dismissed me with a wave of the hand, telling me that Fox wouldn’t air it if it wasn’t true. Luckily, before the conversation could continue further, he got distracted by a bird on the White House lawn.
Secondly, he asked me if, in my capacity as director of the FBI, I would be able to obtain him a special kind of car that was also a gun. When I asked him to clarify what he meant by that he said “Just make sure that the car is really big. I love big cars. If I’m going to have a car… Well, obviously, y’know. Monster truck. I want you to think monster truck. Monster truck that’s a gun. You know those bazookas? I love those. Gravedigger? That’s a monster truck. Picture Gravedigger if it was a, y’know. Pence is going to love this.”
I realise that the president has lived a life of relevant affluence and perhaps might not have had the full slew of experiences that everyday Americans have had, but I must admit, I was astonished to hear him ask me to explain what exactly a train is. Surely, in 70 years he would have used a train, at least once. But, no, I was forced to outline the basic concepts of public transportation until he interrupted me to ask why people didn’t just travel by helicopter instead. Luckily, again, he quickly became distracted by another bird, this time audibly shouting “Oh, you’re a big boy!”
Fourthly, and possibly most trivially considering, he asked me to immediately cease investigation into misconduct by national security advisor Mike Flynn over fears it could further incriminate his administration.
I need a new job.