Yoga is amazing. It really is. It’s good for your body and it helps to quiet your mind. Sometimes there is free kombucha which is disgusting but free! Yoga helped me through a break up recently. Or maybe having a yoga body helped me through a break up. We will never truly know. What I do know is, when it’s time to say Namaste, I feel like i’m back in a Catholic church mumbling under my breath because I think if I say ‘amen’ then Jesus gets to keep my soul forever trapped inside the church organ and if I don’t say it then mum will cry so I just say ‘flemed’
I can’t take myself seriously enough to namaste you. I just cannot. But I do love my yoga teacher. The studio I go to has a giant mural of Biggie Smalls. It’s fucking great. They play Kanye sometimes! I can’t fault them but I cannot commit to the chakra stuff. I have tried. It makes me feel very white. In a room full of other white people. Speaking sanskrit. So what’s the work around? How do I keep my butt this good without getting found out for the fake I am? This mates, is my plan.
Always wear a balaclava
If they can’t see me, they don’t know I’m not saying om. The resonance makes my face buzz in a weird way but it’s essentially just an extra sweat band and possibly a cool trend to start. Cool!
Drink kombucha. Just always. Constantly.
Have a big old bottle of fermented something next to your mat and shove it in your face whenever there is a need for you to make noise. Sorry guys, just looking after my gut health at the moment. I would love to chat but I’m absolutely committed to my body which is a temple. Talk soon. Everyone will respect you like you’re the Dominic Turetto of the group because secretly everybody hates kombucha and is pretending to enjoy it.
Tell them you’re Catholic and you don’t want to let the devil in
If I say this in front of mum I’ll be killing two birds! Yoga teachers are respectful and wonderful. They are better than you at not judging people for being religious and therefor, will absolutely respect your polite refusal to speak in devil tongues.
Bring your own mat
It’s always great to bring your own mat to class, then you don’t have to pretend to wipe it down afterwards! Bring your mat to class, except your mat is a little tent. Nobody can see you in here but nobody is going to question your practise. Bonus - you can just go to sleep if you want! It’s a no brainer.
Pretend to be asleep
A lot of yoga teachers will not wake you if you go to sleep during the nap bit at the end. Savasana they call it. I believe it is French for Nap time bitches. If you can sleep through the whole thing, you can get away with not sitting up at the end, not having to bow your head to anyone, not having to say Namaste and not having to wipe down your mat at the end with those hagged share cloths for the plebs who didn’t bring their own lululemon mat. What. A. Win.
If all of this fails, it’s always an option to just get up and run very quickly out of the room as though there is perhaps a fire or a wildebeest stampede. If they ask about it next week, just tell them it was a malfunction of your third eye. Whoops! Yoga!