After a week full of scandals from accusations of obstruction of justice, giving up secrets to the Russians and the continued piling up of evidence of collusion with them people are starting to ask "If this doesn't get Trump fired, what will?". Comedian Lucy Valentine has some suggestions but she's not counting on them.
By
Lucy Valentine

19 May 2017 - 12:52 PM  UPDATED 19 May 2017 - 2:49 PM

Ah, nothing like a bit of casual treason to start ya week off. I know the one person I’d want knowing my country’s highly classified secrets, it’s Russian officials. Known for their easygoing and compassionate nature, the Russians.

 

The only thing that might make you look even less competent at work than treason is firing the FBI Director that had been leading an inquiry into alleged collusion with Russia. If your boss starts noticing how much of the day you spend looking at memes, just fire the boss. There’s a lesson here for us all.

 

The president has had a big week. He’s said he’s been treated ‘more unfairly’ than any politician in history. I reckon JFK might have some issues with that statement.

 

What I’m trying to say is this – how completely cooked does this bloke have to be before he gets kicked out of the job? Why can I be fired for repeatedly showing up to the office hungover and calling my superiors ‘my good bitches’ when old mate can do whatever he likes?.

 

There’s got to be something that’s too far for Trump supporters. I have some theories:

 

Literally just straight up murdering a puppy

 

I’m not even sure this will have any effect at this point, honestly. But maybe, just maybe if President Trump got up on a podium and full on just slaughtered a cute baby animal, Republicans might admit that he’s not such a great bloke.

 

Leaked audio of Trump saying ‘Country music sucks’

 

Bragging about sexually assaulting women, not such a big deal to Trump’s voter base. I reckon if he was revealed to have said something far more scandalous, such as “Honestly what the f**k is this Tim McGraw garbage,” he’d be out of office quicker than you can pack the dog and a bottle of Jack into the truck and drive off into the sunset thinking about how your wife left you.

 

Cancelling ‘The Big Bang Theory’

 

There’s only one unforgivable thing in the world’s most powerful nation: cancelling the wild irreverent antics of NERD FREAK who likes weird stuff like Star Wars, the most popular film franchise of all time. Lol, bazbingo much???

 

Using a private email server when revealing the classified info to Russian officials

 

Lock him up!!!

 

Saying he did not have sexual relations with that woman when he did have sexual relations with that woman

 

Look, in the land of horrific institutionalised racism, a $7.25 minimum wage, going bankrupt if you break a leg, mass shootings in preschools, the one thing that absolutely isn’t going to fly is LYING ABOUT A SNEAKY BJ ON RECORD. Utterly unforgivable. Giving classified info to dangerous world leaders is cool, sexual assault is cool, trying to ban Muslims from the country, all good. But I assume if Trump ever says he didn’t have sexual relations with that woman when actually he did have sexual relations with that woman, that’ll be enough to get him out of the White House. There’s only so many pearls a Republican can clutch before they snap.

 

 


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