G-Force

This is a conversation between the critic and his two daughters, aged 9 and 4, following a screening of the film G-FORCE.

Critic: Ok, thoughts on the movie. What was your favourite part?

9 y.o: When she was getting dressed up like the little Barbie doll.

Critic: When the guinea pig was getting dressed up?

9 yo: Yeah. Then she (Penelope Cruz) was like “My gosh, I look like Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua”. (Laughs)

4 y.o.: I...I...I know what happened.... a hamster died.

Critic: Well, that all proved to be a bit of a red herring; not really true. Did you think the hamsters looked like hamsters? Were the special effects good?

4 y.o.: Yeah.

9 y.o.: Yeah. Actually, kinda yeah and kinda no. Because it kind of gave it away because they were talking.

Critic: ....uh...oh, ok....(pause)...so you believed the pictures but you didn’t believe the words?

9 y.o.: They should’ve just made one talk and then translate with sign language to the other guinea pigs.

Critic: (laughs) I don’t if that would’ve worked for the movie, honey, telling the story over and over again. What about the people actors in it?

9 y.o.: The people actors in it? Oh, yeah, they were good.

Critic: Ok. And the story? Did you follow the story?

9 y.o.: Oh, not really. But it was kinda funny.

Critic: Was there too many poo jokes?

9 y.o.: Mmmm...no.

Critic: So what else do you remember about it?

9 y.o.: It kind’ve got boring....you know when he was sad and stuff. They do that in every movie. Can’t we have something different? You know, like the hamster goes “Ok, fine, I was born in a pet store and I can’t do all this (secret agent) stuff”.

Critic: Mmmm...so you didn’t think the whole brother-hamster thing worked too well.

9 y.o.: Yeah, you know where the super-guinea pig found out he was born in the pet store? That was kinda boring.

4 y.o.: And, and, and...I know what happened...the hamster died.

Critic: Yeah....(to the 9 y.o.) and what did you think of the 3D?

9 y.o.: Yeah...it was alright....(pause)...

4 y.o.: Daddy, a hamster died!!

Critic: The one in the garbage truck? What did you think of the little mole guy (Nicholas Cage)?

9 y.o.: He was kinda scary. He was funny looking.

Critic: And what about the big Transformer-like thing at the end?

9 y.o.: I think it just as if they are stealing ideas from the Transformers!

Critic: Yeah, I think you might be right. It was made by the same....

9 y.o.: (Seeing a yellow car) SPOTTO!!!

4 y.o.: SPOTTO!!!

Critic: And did it have enough in there for girls or was it a bit of a boy’s movie?

9 y.o.: No, it had enough. Like when she (Penelope Cruz) was dressed up and she said “I’m gonna keep this (earring)!”. And I was just cracking up when the guy guinea pig (Tracey Morgan) had the piece of wood and they were trying to escape and he yelled “Ok, let it rip!” and then BBBRRRR! [A spark is created to light a fat guinea pigs wind in order for the group to escape].  I loved that part.

Critic: Yeah, that was pretty funny....

9 y.o.: “OK, LET IT RIP!!”

Critic: What about all that computer stuff? Was all that a bit confusing?

9 y.o.: Yeah, when the computer bits came on I was like “Wha..?” I don’t understand that. I don’t even understand how any people could know that sort of stuff.

Critic: So what would you give it out of five, if five is really good and one is really bad?
9 y.o.: Umm....(long pause)....three.

Critic: I’m giving it two, so we’ll split the difference.

4 y.o.: I’m thirsty....