With scientists adamant that there is no such thing as an aphrodisiac, Stefan Gates decided to conduct his own survey of the foods that lead to sex by starting at the source and working backwards.

Aside from The 10 Strangest Aphrodisiacs in the World, here are a few foods that apothecaries and holistic nutritionists down the ages have claimed deliver the goods: Eagle’s livers, oysters, menstrual blood, frogs’ bones, sparrows tongues, potatoes (believe it or not, potatoes were once weird), cabbage, truffles, asparagus, marrows, partridge brains, and the velvet from the horns of young stags. I haven’t made any of these up.

None of these work, of course (actually I’ve never had the eagle’s livers or horn velvet, but none of the rest have done the trick), but us blokes (it’s invariably blokes, isn’t it) are a soft touch. As the scientists tell us again and again, there’s no such thing as an aphrodisiac. Viagra isn’t an aphrodisiac, they say – it’s an aid to penile erection that only works after sexual stimulation has been activated anyway.

I refused to be put off by this short-sighted egghead bubble-popping, so I decided to turn the hunt for aphrodisiacs on its head and trace the sex back the food source. I asked nearly 500 people two questions: what food did they eat before they last had sex, and what food they thought most often led to sex. It wasn’t exactly a clinical survey, but even so the results were mindblowing.

So here, to guide you on the path to righteousness and success in the sack, are the answers to what floats people’s boats and flicks their switches.

The meals that are most likely to lead to sexual congress:

Other meals that cropped up frequently included lobster, sushi, crispy duck, Champagne, fruit, lunch (uh?), quick meals. There were also many odd and elliptical answers like ‘Lady wrapped in bacon’, ‘bottle of wine and a joint’ and ‘legs’, whatever that means.

It might all sound a little silly and obvious at first, but make no mistake: this is seminal stuff. You don’t need yaks’ penises or a civet cat’s anal secretions (a key ingredient in old-fashioned perfumes) – you need to be raional and ruthless. Forget the romance and go for what you know works. Booze to get into the swing of it and an atmosphere of cosiness (takeaway meal) to start that swinging motion.