Spoiler alert: There are a lot of alcohol puns in this article.
In Walking Through History, Tony Robinson explores the booming brandy smuggling trade in 18th century Cornwall.
We here at SBS only endorse responsible alcohol consumption and by no means condone alcohol smuggling. But in the name of science and anthropological study, we have collected some modern devices that would have come in handy for the Cornwall smugglers...
The DrinkMaster Hoodie
This is your ultimate smuggling device, but don’t feel left out if you’re a novice booze sneaker - the product description assures the DrinkMaster Hoodie is not just for “Master Drinkers” but for the “everyday guy looking to improve his drinking experience”.
It features a zipper bottle opener, built-in foldable drinking mitts, slip-resistant drink grips, a flask pocket, neoprene-lined can and bottle pocket for cooling - and an ID pocket in case you’re so sloshed you forget your name or address! The DrinkMaster hoodie is made of warm, high quality cotton, so if the drink doesn’t warm the cockles, the hoodie will!
The Beerbelly “Stealth Drinking System” lets you drink anywhere! At the office meeting! At church! At SoulCycle!
It’s comprised of two parts - a neoprene sling which feels like skin to the touch (in case you’re patted down) and a “bladder” inside which can hold 2.3 litres of booze. The only issue is superficial - if you pride yourself on not having a beer belly or don’t want to look pregnant all of a sudden, it may not be for you.
“The Booze Sneaking Bra” houses a removable custom-shaped polyurethane bladder holding up to 800ml of alcohol. If you’re dodging militant eyes, the long drinking tube has a handy on/off valve. The product description charmingly sells the brazier as “better than a boob job and cheaper too”.
The Bar-nocular flask
These “beer-noculars” will come in handy for the spymaster or bird watcher who is thirsty for more. Each side can hold almost 210ml of libations, so you can enjoy two types of booze! Another handy feature is the removable eyepieces that can be used as shot glasses. Warning: to avoid an alcohol eye bath, remember not to hold the “bar-noculars” up to your peepers.
The Wine Handbag
It’s a goon bag dressed up to look like a dodgy-chic handbag! The product description assures us the wine inside “is sourced from the finest French wineries likely located on some preposterously picturesque estate”, that “more than matches this high-end Wine Handbag”. Comes in a variety of designs that unfortunately have the wine label on the side, kind of giving the game away. That, and the cardboard engineering and cask tap.
The ultimate drink smuggler for the modern age, the iFlask looks somewhat like an iPhone and stores up to almost 150ml of your favourite bevi. Made of polycarbonate and polyethylene, it comes with a collapsible funnel.
This ew-inspiring product is one for the die-hard lady drink smugglers. On the plus side, tampon “booze tubes” are a perfect option for a music festival or concert, especially if you can wrangle your way in front of a male security guard who will no doubt pass you through quicker than you can say sanitary napkin.
The bangle flask
This is your top-of-the-line flask for a classy cheeky chardy or some bling gin, but it’ll cost you. A Cynthia Rowley designer flask bangle in silver will set you back $US225 ($AU300), while a 24-karat plated gold one costs $US365 ($AU487).
The pimp cane flask
Smuggle a tipple or five in style with this pimp-style cane flask. A replica of a 1930s cane originally used to smuggle brandy and cigars, the shaft disguises five tubes to fill with the good stuff. All up, the cane holds almost 300ml of booze and will support you up at that time of the night when you start to suffer from “exhaustion”.
The Shootem Up Pistol Hip Flask
Drink like a true cowboy/girl with this holstered pistol hip flask made of solid stainless steel that holds almost 180ml of hooch. It’s the perfect accessory for a trip to the United States, where open carry of handguns is legal in over 20 states, so you’ll fit right in!
The tie flask
Perfect for those times at the office when you need a pick-me-up libation or a dose of hair of the dog after last night’s office Christmas party. BYO alcohol, pour into the bladder inside and away you go - with a drinking tube inserted at the top of the tie, you won’t look conspicuous at all!
For the carpenter, home handyman or auctioneer who wants to get hammered on the job. The product description says the hammer flask “could be used as an actual hammer for small nails” but we’d advise against that, especially if you’re hammered. It comes with a funnel, and can also be used as a bottle opener and ice crusher.
Reef Dram Flask Sandals
This option sounds like some real Get Smart stuff and potentially unsanitary to boot! The perfect beachwear gift for the lush in your life, the heel houses a polyurethane encapsulated canteen with a screw cap for easy access. Drink up in the drink!
Watch Walking Through History on Saturday 13 May at 6pm on SBS.