The Circus

Ripping Yarn

England cricket selectors, having shown their sense of humour by naming Steve 'Wrong Way' Harmison for the Lions' Ashes warm-up match against Australia and giving him false hope of a return to the Test team, have added to their reputation for quirkiness by choosing their side in homage to Michael Palin.

Circus-goers of a certain age may remember Palin's Ripping Yarns series from the 1970s and an episode entitled The Testing of Eric Olthwaite. Eric is a young man with an overriding interest in rainfall, shovels and black pudding, and so deathly bor... Sorry. We dropped off there for a moment.

Eric lives in Denley Moor, a fact celebrated by the selection of Joe Denly and Stephen Moore to open the batting for the Lions. But maybe the selectors have been a little too clever. Eric's tale is set in 1934, a year in which Australia won the Ashes in England and Don Bradman, a young man with an overriding interest in batting, statistics and making money, knocked up a lazy 758 runs at 94.75.

And naming a cricket team with links to a fellow with an obsession with precipitation – well, that's just tempting the weather gods all too much.

With friends like these…

Perhaps David Beckham is a little more perceptive than we've given him credit for. His LA Galaxy teammate Landon Donovan has thoughtfully written a book called The Beckham Experiment. It's fair to say that Donovan reckons the experiment was up there with Dr Frankenstein's in terms of success.

Beckham, says Donovan, has not shown commitment on or off the field. "Does the fact that he earns that much more money come into it? Yeah. At a minimum, you should bust your ass every day. That hasn't happened. And I don't think that's too much for us to expect. Especially when he's brought all this on us."

So what has Beckham brought? Worldwide publicity. Massive shirt sales. Increased club income. Larger crowds. Lashings of on-field success. Well, four out of five ain't bad.
Donovan's prescription? Piss off, Becks. "My sense is that David's clearly frustrated, that he's unhappy and, honestly, that he thinks it's a joke," he said. [This is where we're with Mr Posh.] "Let's say he does stay here for three more years. I'm not going to spend the next three years of my life doing it this way. This is miserable. I don't want to have soccer be this way."

Sisters are doing it for themselves

We've forgotten whose turn it is to win Wimbledon. Serena's? Anyway, don't worry about the little-used lid on Centre Court and the sidelining of Lord Cliff Richard's rainy day singalongs, tradition has been resumed in SW19.

For the umpteenth time in living memory, the Williams sisters will face each other in the women's final. Once again we can giggle along with the British public as the girls from South Central LA try to curtsey to the Royal Box, chuckle at mum Oracene's hairdos and slap our thighs in pleasure at all the waxing going on. (No, not that sort of waxing. That involves Brazilians. Remember the well-synchronised Feres twins?)

Owen to lack of interest… but wait!

Poor Michael Owen. Newcastle United is relegated from the Premier League. Fabio Capello ignores him in the England set-up. He is reduced to putting out a glossy brochure extolling his virtues. Sam Allardyce, home of all things crocked and beautiful, says no. Stoke City and Hull raise their hands. Owen weeps.

Then! A puce-coloured man on a white horse rides around the corner, waving a booking form for a medical examination and a contract with a lot of noughts on it. Dreams do come true.

The numbers game

99,737,626 – US dollars earned by Tiger Woods in 2008.
4 – shots short of making the cut by Cheyenne Woods, Tiger's teenage niece, in her first LPGA start.
20 – points (yes, points – not games) won by world No.1 Dinara Safina against Venus Williams in their Wimbledon semi-final.
1,000,000 – the fine, in rupees, levied on fast bowler Mohammad Asif by the Pakistan Cricket Board for possessing opium.

Quote of the day

"He was too weak and too young. And I didn't fancy all the baggage I knew would go with the job."
- Andy Roddick's coach, Larry Stefanki, on why he turned down the chance to coach Andy Murray early in his career.


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