The Circus

Don't matter if you're black or white
It is not often anything short of an STD for sheep knocks the All Blacks off the front pages in New Zealand, but that is precisely what has happened.

While the national rugby team was expected to triumph over Italy (although probably by more than the final 20-6 scoreline) the national football team's progression to the World Cup finals was anything but a lay down misere.

After ruining the World Cup dreams of powerhouses such as New Caledonia and Vanuatu, the All Whites had the considerably harder task of seeing off Bahrain, which they did thunks to fyne ifforts of 'keepa Mark Paston. Sweet, bro.

Now, team NZ join their Antipodean cousins in the final 32 and set up the delicious prospect of South Africa, Australia and New Zealand all being drawn in the same group; a trio that could turn Johannesburg into one giant version of London's Down Under bar . . . which is nice because Jo'burg may be the only city on earth for which such a transformation would be an improvement.

Use the force, not a forearm protector
"They say cricket is a gentlemen's game – it's a man's game." Viv Richards said that. So if you were having an argument about whether one could be both a man and a gentleman at the same time, the argument is now closed; closed by order of the Master Blaster.

The sheikh of swagger spoke the words while bemoaning the practice of contemporary batsman to take strike looking more storm trooper than Luke Skywalker.

"There are individuals out there who use the body protection as a form of staying power," he said – and The Circus is pretty sure he wasn't talking about Durex Performax. King Viv went on to declare that, in his day, batsmen were peppered with short stuff to find out if they had any "tummy" for it.

This is strange because, as far as The Circus recollects, Ian Botham had a pretty ordinary record against the Windies and tummy was one commodity he had in spades.

One man who has seen many a batsman wield his willow – behelmeted and otherwise – is Australia's own cricketing Yoda Richie Benaud. And just like the Jedi master, the beige one refuses to completely fade away, signing a new three-year deal to provide special comments for the Two and Half Men network.

Marvellous stuff. Especially if we can look forward to more analysis of this calibre:



Stop me if you've heard this one
It may have been a smashing weekend for the Kiwis, but the Lapwing has had better outings.

Ireland's football team get fixed up by the French in a World Cup qualifier, and the ra-ra boys were only saved from a similar fate thanks to a last-minute try to Brian O'Driscoll that drew their match with the Wallabies.

Of course, that result ruined what was otherwise a very fine couple of days for Australia, which almost added a rugby triumph to the Kangaroos' earlier demolition of England in the final of the Four Nations tournament, not to mention the Socceroos' non-demolition of Oman in an Asian Cup qualifier.  

All this talk of Irishmen, Australians, New Zealanders and the English puts The Circus in mind of a great joke it once heard. And here it is.

W is for Wood(s)
The Circus isn't sure if you heard, but Tiger Woods is in the country. If your ear is cocked especially close to the ground, you will also know he was playing in a tournament in Melbourne for a performance fee that even Liza Minnelli would pretend to raise her permanently frozen eyebrows over.

And Tiger proved the old adage that you have to earn millions of dollars before you can earn another $270,000 by winning the Australian Masters by two shots from some other bloke who no one could actually give a toss about.

"I got a W," Woods said of his win. That's OK. He's not the first visiting American to be affected so by Australia:



Numbers game
20 – years Indian batsman Sachin Tendulkar has played international cricket
16 – age Tendular was when making his debut, against Pakistan
15 – runs he scored in his first innings before being bowled by Waqar Younis
29,961 – runs in all form of international cricket Tendulkar has scored to date
44 – wickets taken by Tendulkar in Test matches

Quote of the day
"I … really fancy Cotto will be too much for him."
- Ricky Hatton shows that, as a soothsayer, he makes a good boxer by predicting champ Migeul Cotto would defeat challenger Manny Pacquiao in the pair's WBO welterweight title fight. Pacquiao won by TKO in the 12th round.

Headline we'd like to read
Master Blaster admits his "W" forced him to bat without adequate protection.


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