The Circus

Le coq rears head
A tiff is brewing in the world of football and, for once, it has nothing to do with Alex Ferguson.

Ireland's loss to France in the first leg of the nations' World Cup play-off ended sourly, with players from both teams engaging in a full-time fracas that threatens to become a full-on donnybrook if Irish claims about French verbosity are to be believed.

Midfielder Lassana Diara was accused of uttering a remark that insulted all the people of Ireland. For a country with the history of the Emerald Isle, that takes some doing.

So what could the Frenchman have said to get so off-side with the notoriously mild-mannered Irish? That Ulysses was turgid and unreadable? That George Bernard Shaw did for beards what Katie Price has done for the emancipation of women? That Father Ted was slightly less amusing than 'Allo 'Allo?

One only hopes Diara said nothing alluding to Diego Maradona's penis because that particular offence carries a two-month ban. Too short by half in The Circus' opinion . . . which is probably not the first time that phrase has been applied to the great one's unmentionables.

From Tigers to Wild Things
After Tiger Woods' Beatle-esque reception at the Masters, Australian golf has been further bolstered by the news that the Open, to be held in Sydney in December, will feature none other than Fred Couples . . .

Is it just The Circus or is this a bit like having a one-night stand with Billy Baldwin after Alec knocked you back for a date?

Of course, it could be worse: you could end up with Stephen Baldwin . . . Did I mention that John Daly will also be playing?

On campus, magic doesn't happen
Harry Potter aficionados will know of something called Quidditch. Those who have thought about the mechanics of the wizarding game for longer than a nanosecond will also know it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Surprising, then, that the game has taken a real, non-literary foothold in the United States of America.

Muggle Quidditch is a game played in over 200 US colleges by people who run around with brooms between their legs dodging volleyballs thrown at them by others similarly handicapped by household cleaning apparati.

So what kind of athletic acumen is required to make a quintessential Quidditch professional? Michigan State's Ali Warr explains it thus: "I think anyone that's on this team isn't afraid to make a fool out of themself."

No sleight of hand there, then.

Goalie watch
"Instant karma's gonna get you," sang John Lennon. Obviously US College goal keeper Nenad Cudic is more of a Paul McCartney man:


 
Numbers game
220,000 – dollars Channel Nine spent in an out-of-court settlement regarding the alleged defamation of Western Bulldogs director Susan Alberti
500,000 – the amount the settlement is likely to come to after legal costs are included
2 – extra episodes of Two and a Half Men Nine will have to schedule to make up the revenue shortfall
0 – signatures of Garry Lyon and Sam Newman – the men whose comments gave rise to the case – included on a letter written by Nine lawyers to Alberti

Quote of the day
"It's not my money. Channel Nine can do what they like. As long as they didn't include my name, that's fine by me."
- Nine employee Sam Newman shows where half-a-million bucks rates on his care factor scale.

Headline we'd like to read
Botched cosmetic surgery turns Newman into woman


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