The Circus

The human touch
If you still navigate by the stars and watch movies on DVD instead of Blu-ray, then rejoice: the Luddites have had a victory.

The use of 'TECHNOLOGY' to resolve contentious goals or non-goals (as the case may be) has been rejected by the International Football Association Board.

According to Jonathan Ford, chief executive of the Welsh Football Association, 'TECHNOLOGY' endangers the "human element" in the game and should be viewed through the same narrowed eyes as Snuggies and skyaking (see below) are. Genealogy research to discover if Mr Ford is related to Henry Ford, pioneer of mass production, is ongoing.

In a twist so ironic it could normally only be found in the stories of Philip K Dick, Kurt Vonnegut, Andrew Bolt or other writers of far-flung futuristic fiction, the decision came on a day when Birmingham was denied a goal in its FA Cup tie with Portsmouth that 'TECHNOLOGY' (or officials blessed with the gift of sight) may well have seen awarded.

Football is a sport that, more than any other, hinges on a single moment. It doesn't matter how many chances a team creates, it's the ones taken that matter.

And who wants 'TECHNOLOGY' to come along and make sure that every chance taken is actually within the rules of the game? Certainly not Thierry Henry.



Dystopia watch
Of course, the watchdogs at FIFA and elsewhere are right to be guarding the beautiful game from 'TECHNOLOGY'.

Otherwise, who knows what the future might hold?


 
Love in at the United Nations
On-field violence has been sadly lacking in cricket since Harold Larwood almost killed Bert Oldfield at Adelaide in 1933 but, thankfully, that's all changing. First, Mitchell Johnson did not let Scott Styris's head protection stop him from perfecting his Liverpool kiss, and now, English 'keeper Matt Prior has tackled Bangladeshi batsman Aftab Ahmad to the ground during the teams' one-day clash in Chittagong.

Why? Perhaps it was because Ahman had the ball trapped in his pad. Or perhaps Prior just likes him. A lot. In any event, amidst a South African tackling a Bangladeshi and another South African being cuddled by an Irishman, England won its ODI series 3-0.

Possibly inspired by an Indiana Jones movie
Every now and again, someone comes up with an idea so obvious and so good it inspires a bout of rueful head shaking and the thought: why didn't I think of that? Just like jumping out of an aeroplane in a kayak.

Skyaking takes white water rafting and sky diving and marries them in a way so eminently logical that it's a wonder Mr Spock didn't berate Bones and Captain Kirk in a Vulcan monotone for not having a kayak or two on board the Starship Enterprise on which he could skyak his pointy ears off.

Of course, the undoubted rush of thrill seekers to this new sport will be looking for somewhere wet enough to land. The Circus suggests Flemington racecourse.



And the Oscar goes to . . .
As the world prepares for the 82nd Academy Awards, The Circus would like to present the gong for most puerile celebration involving a captain's armband to . . . John Terry for his preening strut after scoring a goal against Premier League mid-rangers Stoke.

Numbers game
240 – combined minutes played by Wellington Phoenix, Newcastle Jets, Melbourne Victory and Sydney FC in each of Sunday's A-League semi-finals.
4 – goals scored in each of the matches.
3 – extra-time goals scored in both of the matches.
0 – Sydney FC fans who admire the quick thinking of Victory captain Kevin Muscat in setting up the crucial goal for teammate Archie Thompson and think he's a top bloke.

Quote of the day
"I knew nothing. I don't need to clarify it, extend that answer. I knew nothing."
– Steve Williams, caddy of Tiger Woods, before clarifying and extending his answer by saying: "In some people's perception, I'm involved with it, and I've committed a crime or done wrong. If the shoe was on somebody else, I would say the same thing, it would be very difficult for the caddy not to know. But I'm 100 per cent telling you, I knew nothing, and that's that."

Headline we'd like to see
Technology-free football replaces balls with severed heads of executed criminals

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