The Circus is SBS's daily look at world sport from left field.
The Circus - April 1
Steele Sidebottom takes on Pizza Ashby, Hooters takes on Tiger, and Bruce Willis goes blue at the basketball. It's all in The Circus.
What's in a name? Part one
You can't choose your parents. And you can't do much about the rotten name they may have given you, unless you go through all that tedious document-signing, statutory declaration-swearing, deed poll rigmarole. It's something Roger Boyes, Berlin correspondent of the Times newspaper, might have considered when he realised he had to write a story about a sex abuse scandal involving the Vienna Boys Choir.
And that, in our typically ponderous way, brings us to this contest to find the best name of 2010.
And hoorah! Among the highly peculiar monikers, most of which would appear to be American in origin and many of which are enjoyed by sportspeople, is our own Steele Sidebottom, who plays with Collingwood in the AFL. Sidebottom is in the Dragonwagon quarter of the draw (named after former winner Crescent Dragonwagon) against Pizza Ashby. If Sidebottom gets through that battle, things get a lot tougher.
The standard is astonishing: Lolita Respectnothing. Sequoyah Stonecipher. Chinook Bacon. Dick Smallberries Jr. Pamela Balls Organista. Dinero Fudge.
Some of our other favourites are X-Zavier Bloodsaw, God's Power Offor, Stalin Felipe, Hitler Makofane, Dr Speedy Nutz, Banana Yaya, Starzanne Stipes, Waver Brickhouse, Napoleon Einstein and Aristotle Socrates. And, quite simply, the greatest name ever, Dirk Kool.
What's in a name? Part two
Back in 1989 Geelong AFL footballer Garry Hocking made the somewhat ill-advised decision to change his name by deed poll to Whiskas. The wad of cash he earned for temporarily becoming a tin of cat food was shared between the club, which was going through hard financial times, and a local charity. Hocking – sorry, Whiskas – lost only his dignity.
Which brings us to Eddie Gossage, which is not a silly name. TexasMotorSpeedway.com, on the other hand is – for a human person. Gossage, the present of TMS, has offered local country music host Terry Dorsey a cool $US100,000 to change his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com for a year and to get a permanent TMS tattoo. We've yet to learn whether Dorsey is up for the challenge, but we'd like to think greed will overwhelm all sense of self-respect.
What's in a name? Part three
Hooters. OK, we know what that name's all about – pneumatic American bimbos in form-fitting singlets and short shorts serving "food" in a "restaurant". Nothing wrong with that. It is every American's constitutional right to eat total crap in close proximity to tarts in tights.
Even Tiger Woods, who on his return to golf, may be tempted away from the fairways of Augusta National next week by the news that the local Hooters will be running a series of enticing contests at the same time as the Masters, including a putting contest, a long drive competition and a 'Par 3' bikini contest.
What's in a name? Part four
Bruce Wilson? Make that Bruce Willis, mother-f---er!
Hand of God. Mouth of Dog
Diego Maradona is dribbling a little more than usual today after being bitten on the mouth by lovely little Chinese shar pei dog Bela. Shar peis look like crumpled Snuggies, and in fact, Bela is probably not lovely given that she is suffering from kidney failure and she bit her owner on the mouth.
The good news for Maradona is that he was in familiar territory at the clinic to which he was transported. He spent time there in 2007 with toxic hepatitis brought on by ingesting rather too much alcohol.
The numbers game
4 – Indian Premier League overs it took from Brett Lee to convince Australian selectors to pick him in the squad for the Twenty20 World Cup despite not having played for six months
39 – runs those four overs went for
3 – South African-born players in the England T20 squad
6 – South African-born players in the England T20 squad if Test skipper Andrew Strauss, wicketkeeper Matt Prior and opener Jonathan Trott had made the cut
Quote of the day
"It is a simple situation, I am happy at Inter but unhappy with Italian football, because I do not like it and because it doesn't like me."
- Jose Mourinho, the Special One, tells Italian football where it can stick it.
Headline we'd like to see
Pamela Balls Organista balls organista