The Backburner

11 Nov 2014 - 9:23 AM  UPDATED 12 Nov 2014 - 9:39 AM

A Brisbane man has died of dehydration today after refusing to consume water following the revelation that technically water is halal certified.


Forty two year old Brisbane local Keith Sheen, a noted opponent of what he believes Halal to mean, brazenly refused to consume water or any drink containing water to protest Halal certification. He also vocally expressed his outrage that two-thirds of the planet he inhabited was composed of what he called ‘the Muslim liquid’.


His body succumbed to dehydration earlier this morning.


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Mr. Sheen had previously complained about products in his local supermarket containing dietary information such as Halal certification.


“Why should I have to look at that when it doesn’t apply to me,” Mr. Sheen once wrote to his local newspaper. “It’s the same with these peanut allergy warnings. I don’t personally have a peanut allergy so we should get rid of them for everyone. It’s only fair.”


“You know what harm it does me to look at Halal certification? None at all. But what if the answer was ‘some’? That would be unacceptable.”


Sheen insisted that his objection to Halal certification was not on the basis of racism or anti-religious bigotry, claiming he was not personally a racist but just “said racist things and acted in a racist way all the time”.


A statement released by his family praised Sheen’s commitment to his principles.


“Our father was a man of principle and his death is another sign that Sharia Law has gone too far or perhaps not far enough. We are not clear on what Sharia Law is or how far it should go.”


A memorial service will be held for Keith Sheen this Wednesday. The wake has been delayed due to complications in finding non-halal certified food to serve.




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The original version of this article featured an image of a man who definitely did not die of dehydration after refusing water. In fact, no one did and this is a silly joke. The Backburner sincerely and genuinely apologises for any confusion caused.

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