The Backburner

12 Dec 2014 - 11:11 AM  UPDATED 12 Dec 2014 - 11:15 AM

Minister for Communications Malcolm Turnbull has blasted the press corps, saying that the Government’s anti-piracy measures aren’t an internet filter but actually just a thing designed for the singular purpose of filtering where users are able to visit on the internet.

“To call this filter for the internet an internet filter is the height of absurdity. It’d be like calling an animal that solely ate ants an ‘ant eater’, or something that mowed lawns a ‘lawn mower’.

“It’d be like calling me ‘The Minister for Communications’ just because I am the minister with a communications portfolio, or calling me ‘a wilfully ignorant dolt’ just because I am playing these pointless word games to try and cover for terrible policy.”

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Turnbull refused to back down, insisting that there are more appropriate terms to categorise the reforms.

“If you think that a filter is something that sorts and sifts good bits from bad bits, then you’re as bad as that judgemental dictionary I read this morning.

“It’s kind of like in a fish tank, you know, you’ve got that little thing that separates the water from the bad stuff in the water. I can’t remember what it’s called. Probably a ‘Fishies-Clean-O-Matic’ or something.”

The Government is expected to begin their piracy crackdown within the next few weeks.

“These reforms are essential for the protection of the film industry,” said Mr. Turnbull. “Owners of major studios need to know their copyright will be respected. It’s the only way we can guarantee their income. Rupert was telling me that just the other day when we were flying in his jet.

“It’s a major issue. Studios are losing hundreds of millions of dollars. That’s a lot of money. It’s almost as much as the tax breaks we’ve been giving them.”

Turnbull has asked for any concerned members of the community to contact his office, which users can find online as the only website they’ll still be allowed to visit.


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