Prev Employment: Lawyer
Current Employment: Minister for Zingers
Strong, ambitious and politician-handsome. Nobody in the party likes him but few seem capable of besting him as he is capable of thinking and speaking simultaneously. Has Sun Tzu's "The Art Of War" tattooed on his parliamentary secretary's back for easy reference.
Advantages: Thinks for himself, but in a different way to Tony Abbott
Disadvantages: His feathered wings are held on with easily meltable wax
Previous Employment: Lawyers
Current Employment: ?
A libertarian think tank inside one large suit. Many years of experience in creating policy and reframing the word "freedom" to suit itself. Can spontaneously regrow replacements for collective members who die or successfully run for office.
Advantages: Good at staying on-message
Disadvantages: Message sickens most Australians
Previous Employment: Flags
Current Employment: Minister for Immigration
The flags are made of 500D spun polyester, which means that, although they spend most of their time indoors making decisions on asylum seeker policy, they also remain in good condition when flown in extreme weather conditions.
Advantages: Highly patriotic, incapable of making embarrassing gaffes
Disadvantages: Less effective as an opposition leader
Previous Employment: Small business owner
Current Employment: Minister for Not Closing The Local CFA
Outspoken cabinet member and voice for rural voters. As a National Party minister, would have to transform into a Liberal in order to become Prime Minister. This could be done by assembling a quorum in the House, using spiritualist techniques to summon the ghost of Robert Menzies and allowing the ghost to enter Trust through one of three appropriate holes.
Advantages: Has held a job
Disadvantages: Did not go to university with the other Liberals
THE DARK HORSE
Tony Abbott with John Howard in his mouth
Previous Employment: Journalist/lawyer
Current Employment: Prime Minister/Ex-Prime Minister
Sources within the Liberal Party have indicated interest in keeping Tony Abbott in the top job if he agrees to keep long-serving Prime Minister John Howard wedged between his tongue and soft palate during waking hours. Howard would be expected to write Abbott's speeches, run his office and keep his alveolar ridge clean.
Advantages: A spirited pugilist paired with a canny political operator
Disadvantages: Australia could decide it's sick of two PMs instead of just one
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