The Backburner

5 Mar 2015 - 4:13 PM  UPDATED 5 Mar 2015 - 4:14 PM

Community groups have welcomed findings from Australia's fourth Intergenerational Report that Baby Boomers should just die already, and hand their assets over to the needy. The report has come as a surprise to many observers, who forecast that its predictions of slower growth and population ageing would be used to justify harsh cuts to services.


"We were preparing for young people to denied even more of the health, education and welfare benefits that our parents received," said a youth services spokesperson. "But the report confirmed what we've been saying for years: Baby Boomers are human beings who are just as capable of recognising other people's needs as every other generation."


Treasurer Joe Hockey has committed to reforming the government's policy program in accordance with its findings.


"This government won't shy from facing home truths," said Mr. Hockey. "We always thought Baby Boomers were wealthy because they were simply better than other generations, but it turns out there were a few loopholes tucked away in there that might have worked in their favour."


"Reforming superannuation and pensions is impossible in this political climate, and we gave up on housing supply years ago. This is the only way."


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The disappearance of the entire Baby Boom generation is expected to have positive ramifications for Australia's over-inflated property market, as well as ensuring a sharp decline in the number of people named Donald and Linda.


"Studies consistently show people named Donald or Linda have higher than average rates of believing global warming to be a hoax," said one climate scientist. "Fewer parts per million of Donald and Linda in the atmosphere will lead to a concomitant decline in carbon pollution."


A telephone poll of voters aged 50 to 69 has revealed a comfortable majority support their own deaths, with most surveyed unable to believe how long it took the measure to be introduced.


"We got free education, we're not stupid," said Donald, 61. "We knew the jig would be up eventually, even though we purposely raised our kids so they'd be too polite and hardworking to get ticked off about how easy we had it when we were their age."


But the report's policies have been questioned by some stakeholders. Golfing Australia has joined forces with the Swarovski crystal figurine lobby to demand government support.


"We will not stand idly by while our customer base is obliterated," said a Golfing industry insider. 


Commentators have questioned this tactic, pointing out that 100% of workers employed in these sectors will be dead anyway.






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