The Backburner

31 Mar 2015 - 3:37 PM  UPDATED 31 Mar 2015 - 4:32 PM

The Australian Drinking Team has shocked the nation by unexpectedly winning the Cricket World Cup. Cricket has been the team's preferred hobby for decades, but the surprising win has fuelled speculation that their continued cricket training may set a bad example for children who aspire to be professional drinkers.

"We're pleased as," said the captain. "We had no idea we'd gotten this good at cricket, we've just been having a game or two while we get dangerously munted in the backyard.

"Drinking an absolute shitload of piss is the main thing, though, and promoting drinking out there in the community."

The Prime Minister has congratulated the team, commenting that Australian drinkers have always enjoyed cricket.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with the team getting out the bat and ball while they're sucking down stacks of tins," said Mr Abbott. "Cricket has always been something to do while you're maggotted.

"Most Australians enjoy a bit of cricket now and then. My own grandmother enjoyed it after she'd had seven or eight sherries."


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Former professional drinker Shane Warne has also celebrated the victory, recalling how little time for outside activities he had during his career as one of the country's foremost plonkhounds.

"Times are changing," said Warne. "Back when I was drinking for Australia you didn't have time to scratch your arse, let alone take up a sport.

"I remember when we did play a cheeky game of cricket one night, and the exercise made us sleep so well we couldn't get up to crack our breakfast beers."

Experts have warned that images of problem drinkers playing sport on television have the potential to affect children's behaviour, with increasing rates of cricket participation from a young age.

"These kids shouldn't be out there having rockhard objects thrown at their developing faces," said one researcher. "They should be inside where it's safe, knocking back fourteen or fifteen longies and falling asleep in their own vomit.

"The Australian Drinking Team should be setting a good example for children, and that means showing dedication to frothing on with their mates until they're so loose they can't remember their own names."

Drinking clubs around the country are expected to release statements on cricket in the forthcoming weeks. National Schools Inebriation Month will go ahead as planned, with professional boozers to tour the country holding sculling clinics for children aged 7 and over.


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