The Backburner

9 Apr 2015 - 11:02 AM  UPDATED 9 Apr 2015 - 11:02 AM

Chief Executives of web giant Google have issued a statement warning that if the company is forced to pay tax they’ll in turn force the Australian people to use the terrible search engine Bing.


The company is believed to have paid only $74 million dollars on $2 billion dollars in projected earnings but has said that they’re entirely willing to pay tax provided the Australian people are entirely comfortable “getting on Altavista or finding wherever the good hell Jeeves is and asking him to answer every dumb thought you have.”


“I think it’s entirely fair we pay tax,” said one Google executive. “Just like it’s entirely fair that you may be forced to use Bing maps to try and get to a party this weekend. You think it’s bad that our profits are going offshore? Just wait until you’re trying to get to Jenny’s house by 7 and find yourself in an oil rig in the Gulf of Carpentaria.


“Sure, we have a history of not paying our due taxes but how did you find out about that history? Did you Bing it? I bet you didn’t. You know how I know? If you had used Bing you wouldn’t have found out about it.”


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Google has argued that what it does is of too great a benefit to society for tax laws to apply.


“Come on, we’re Google. We own YouTube. Look inside your heart of hearts. What would you really want from your society: Better schools, roads and hospitals or more videos of cats being precocious and getting their comeuppance? I think we both know the answer.”


When questioned, Google’s spokespeople said the company was not against paying tax but rather wished for a simplification of the tax code.


“What we’re really looking for is reformation of the tax code to be a simple as possible. Namely, that we don’t pay tax. That seems pretty easy to remember. Do you pay tax? No. Can’t get much simpler than that.


“After all, we need that money to spend on pointless quirky shit that will make you think Google is a fun, cool company and not at all just another massive corporation profiting off special treatment from Governments.





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