Lately, Australia’s identity struggle between Constitutional Monarchy and Republic is becoming a more pressing and discussed topic. Comedian Nicolas Fischer provides some insights into what has been gained from mother England and what may be lost if Australia was to pack up its bags, leave home and fully embrace its independence.
Nicholas Fischer

31 Aug 2015 - 1:34 PM  UPDATED 22 Sep 2015 - 1:28 PM

Dear fellow Australians, it has come to my attention that there is a growing movement in Australia to murder our Queen and dump her body in the nearest river or for Australia to become a republic. I’m not sure exactly which one but if you are a true blue Australian you’ll understand that they are largely the same. The idea that an Australian could hold the highest political office in Australia is as absurd as it is mad. In the 114 years since the states of this country came together in federation we have all been united behind the common belief that we are all too stupid to rule ourselves and a family of noble yet inbred Germans living in the United Kingdom would be a better choice. This country has always required the watchful eye of mother England in case we did something insane like go to war with a country that we have nothing to do with to die for a monarchy made largely of Nazi sympathisers. Australia has been built on the idea the there are people who were born to rule and there are people who were born Australian. Institutionalised inequality is as Australian as watching the cricket in the hot summer. Some of us watch it from box seats, and some of us are losers. SBS comedy has done the research. We want you to consider all the wonderful things institutionalised inequality has given our nation and what we could lose if we gave up the monarchy.


Billionaires who inherited a lot and claim Australian workers are paid too much


Consider what Australian life would be like without Aussie heroes like Gina Rinehart and Rupert Murdoch who have given everything to this country and only asked for billions in return, a sizable stake in the countries’ media corporations, and a dwarfing voice in our democracy. Without them it would be terrifying place where we might elect leaders with policies that benefit the majority of Australians. When you go to the polls on election day isn’t it a relief to know that your vote truly doesn’t matter. I know I find it relaxing, almost as much as engaging in Australia’s favourite pastime; staring at a white wall while sitting with my hands in my lap not making a sound. What has always made Australians stand out from the crowd is that we don’t ask questions and know that if a rich person is talking we need to be quiet. Imagine if this country actually became a republic. It might send a message to Australians that people who inherit significant wealth may not entirely deserve it. That of course might lead to a more meritocratic society which means Australia will be a half step away from becoming Soviet Russia lead by a zombie Lenin. The Monarchy is saving us from zombie Lenin. Do you really want to have your head bitten off by an early Bolshevik leader? I didn’t think so.


Parliaments of mostly white men


It’s hard not to look at the current federal cabinet and think what an excellent job the government had done in finding such varied candidates from law schools all over Sydney. I mean the parliament of Australia is meant to be a representative body of Australian society, and who has more real world experience then private school boys who have had to make some difficult wine selection choices in their time? Some of the dinners’ party they go to have up to 12 guests. Talk about pressure! I mean it’s no brainer how these skills are so easily transferred to understanding the fear of not knowing where you’re sleeping tomorrow night - it’s either Rachael or Sally’s right? It’s always a tough one. Yet consider if we challenged some part of the institutional inequality by electing a commoner as our head of state. People might get the idea that white men from privileged backgrounds might not be as in touch with the everyday stresses that many Australians endure. I mean we might end up doing something like electing a group of women and minorities in at least rough proportion to our population. Which I think obviously will result in Australian being just a hair’s breadth away from become Soviet Russia lead by a time travelling Trotsky who has been living on the moon this whole time. I’m warning you it’ll happen.


Living standards of indigenous Australians


Think where we would be if the life expectancy of the first Australians weren’t 17 years below the average for non-indigenous Australians. No doubt it would be a horrific nightmare where there was respect for one of the most marginalised minority groups in the developed world. If Indigenous people who only account for 3% of your population made up anything less than 24% of our prison population as they currently do I don’t know if I would recognise this country anymore. If we did become a republic we may end up in a situation where our ideal of institutionalised inequality could be in serious jeopardy. Do you really want there to even be a small chance that the year 12 graduation rate of our first people could be increased beyond 10%? Oh look at that - we’re now Soviet Russia. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


It is these institutional inequalities that make Australia the great country is it. So it makes sense that the monarchy of Britain should remain as our head of state. I mean why risk becoming a more equal country? How has equality ever improved anyone’s life?





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