A sad and empty local man without much going for him has expressed hope this morning that whoever reads his metadata will think he’s an offbeat and interesting kind of guy. The lonely and desperate man has stood in support of the new data retention laws claiming that it might be his last shot at really impressing another person.
“Can’t you see it?” he asked gathered reporters. “Imagine someone spending late nights in ASIO reading over countless and countless of records mandatorily retained and accessed without a warrant. They’re bored, their eyes are starting to wander - and then they come across my data. My beautiful data that I had no choice in handing over is right there on the screen of this stranger.
“And the stranger starts to ask themselves how someone can be so interested in badminton but also the works of J Cole. How could someone have read all of the works of A. S. Byatt and be up to date on Entourage.
“They’ll see I’m an interesting man of the world who has many times checked out the deals on Webjet without having actually booked anything. They’ll know I’m single from my lack of text messages and how often I still visit Sally’s Facebook profile just to browse. They’ll know I’m interested from those pleas for help I send off into the void. It’s a great ice-breaker.
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“Maybe they’ll see that time I visited a couple of cooking websites and found a recipe for a delicious risotto. Maybe they’ll see me looking at what wines best match the risotto. Maybe they’ll see the details of the order sending that wine to my place tonight. Maybe they’ll invite themselves over.
“Frankly, if they also know the kinda freaky shit I’ve been looking up in the middle of the night - well, if they’re coming over they know to be ready for action.”
The deeply upsetting man has said he is grateful for data retention because it forces him to push boundaries he wouldn’t usually push.
“I’m an introvert, you know? I write about it every day on my blog. I’m an introvert that has trouble sharing anything personal about myself. Data retention means I don’t have to try and open up to everyone. The Government will do it for me.
“It’s so handy. The Government will just take my personal information and show it to pretty much anyone who wants to see it. For the first time I feel like I’m sharing my life with someone. I’m part of something great now.
“It’s impossible to be lonely when your state enacts mass surveillance.”
The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or before operating heavy machinery.