The Backburner

22 Dec 2015 - 11:04 AM  UPDATED 22 Dec 2015 - 11:04 AM

A series of harsh new laws on cyclists have been instituted by the New South Wales Government with other states likely to follow suit. The measures include an increase in fines for cyclists with provisions stating they will be reprimanded for acts such as failure to wear a helmet, failure to not be hit by a car, failure to dodge a car door, failure to get up fast enough after sustaining serious injury and looking a bit weird.


Cycling Advocates have claimed that these new laws do nothing to help reduce the risk on cycling in the city and instead punish victims but this is disputed by the Government who argue that the measures are essential for incorporating more cyclists into the city’s functions.


“We know the only way to really make cycling safer is to get more cyclists on the road,” said one spokesperson. “But too many cyclists fear riding in the city due to horrendous safety conditions. What we’re trying to do is make it so difficult that only the most fearless and foolhardy cyclists will still be on the road. Perhaps it will soon become an extreme sport and attract experience-tourists from around the world. We’re just thinking practically.


“Building a city for the future comes with a series of issues that you must work out along the way. We know that we’re going to need more people taking advantage of transport options such as cycling if we want to keep the city moving without polluting our airwaves. We also know that the future might be an amoral wasteland. So, why not prepare for both? We get more people on their bikes and we let drivers know it’s totally okay to just wreck their shit.


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“We don’t want to be a Government that ignores cyclists. We want to be one that openly treats them with contempt because it plays well to talkback radio stations and comment sections of news articles where someone can recount the one time they’ve seen a cyclist do a bad thing and take that as an indicative statement on anyone who dares touch a pedal.”


The measures will also see cyclists forced to carry photo identification at all times, a provision that has been met with an incredible amount of backlash. However, one spokesperson came to the defence of the measure saying it was simply misunderstood.


“What we have here is a simple misinterpretation. We’re not asking cyclists to carry identification at all times for means of demerits or committing crimes. That would be absurd. There would be no real justification to do that and not, say, forcing pedestrians to carry identification.


“No, no, the real reason we’re asking for cyclists to carry identification is purely for the post-accident scene. We’re not going to do anything to actually stop the deaths of cyclists on our roads. That would be too hard and unpopular. Instead we thought we may as well make the clean up a little bit quicker.


“We actually considered for a while forcing cyclists to carry their own body bags and wear a sign saying ‘I’m Not Welcome On These Roads. Do Your Worst’ but that felt a little too on the nose and these measures get to that same point in a more delicate way.”





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