The Backburner

23 Dec 2015 - 4:47 PM  UPDATED 23 Dec 2015 - 4:47 PM

Citing a need to adapt the celebration to a more Australian context, the Government announced today that the official Christmas greeting in this country will be changed from ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Happy Total Fire Ban’.


“When you say ‘Merry Christmas’, you evoke images of quaint little cottage chimneys and dainty little snow villages,” Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull told a press conference. “We need a greeting that will call to mind enormous bushfires and extreme fire warnings, as is our custom.”


The Happy Total Fire Ban initiative is intended to keep Australians aware of their obligations towards fire safety even while deep in Christmas festivities.


It is recommended by the Government that all presents given on Christmas are accompanied with a visual indication of the current fire warning level and a booklet about proper stop, drop and roll technique.


Despite previous complaints about a ‘War on Christmas’, conservative and Christian groups applauded the move.


“Yes, I’ve complained about the war on Christmas waged by the secular Left before,” NSW Christian Democrats MP Fred Nile told The Backburner.


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“But this initiative is quite prudent, when it comes down to it. I wish all good, Christian Australians a very happy Fire Ban this year.”


Reports indicate that Australians all over the country are preparing for Christmas on Friday by clearing their yards of dry kindling and ensuring that a proper source of water is available nearby. Christmas lights deemed a fire hazard are being promptly removed.


“We think all cultures can appreciate this change,” Turnbull wrote in a press release. "There is something wonderfully multicultural about a total fire ban with the threat of serious fines for failure to obey proper regulation.


The Backburner’s news room wishes its readers a wonderful Total Fire Ban 2015.





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