The Backburner

1 Feb 2016 - 11:31 AM  UPDATED 1 Feb 2016 - 11:31 AM

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has refused to enter into another debate on Gonski reforms declaring this a time when Australia needs to look at tightening its belt and cannot afford to throw about money on unnecessary frivolities like adequate education funding.


“Nothing comes for free,” said Turnbull. “You would understand that if you could have afforded an education as good as mine. We’re facing a time of great budgetary crisis in this country and the fact of the matter is we don’t want to go wasting our hard earned money on schools that are, let’s be honest, already pretty shoddy.

“Everyone is going to get the adequate amount of funding from the Federal Government. Unless, of course, you actually really need that funding."

“It feels like a waste to me. Why spend money on children who can’t even vote? If they want extra money they should get it the old fashioned way: invent and sell a revolutionary app. That’s the kind of forward thinking we need in our education system. We can’t just keep handing out money to kids who might not even be worth it.


“The public schools system in this country is already a fixer-upper. All I’m proposing is that we do more of a knockdown/rebuild - except without the rebuild.”


The Prime Minister has attempted to quell fears that future education cuts could affect all schools, insisting that only the places that most need funding will be at risk of cuts.


“I don’t want anyone to worry,” Turnbull said. “Everyone is going to get the adequate amount of funding from the Federal Government. Unless, of course, you actually really need that funding. Then we’re not going to give you it because really, you’re coming across as pretty desperate. Sure, you are desperate and need funding increases to deliver results for your students but still, play it cool. Christ, you’re basically proposing on a first date here.


“Public schools need to learn sooner or later to treat education funding like getting affection from a cat. If they know you need it you’re not going to get it. If you’re getting along fine by your own and seem like you couldn’t care less where the funding goes then we’ll be scratching at your door, begging for attention.”


Turnbull said that while changes in education funding will come in due time, parents should not worry about the impact on their children’s school unless they were already impoverished and desperately needing funds, in which case they wouldn’t notice.


“Frankly, there’s already enough disparity in education funding that I’m willing to bet you won’t even notice a little bit more. That’s what makes this the perfect plan. It’s cruel to introduce hardship into the lives of people who haven’t experienced it before. Those who are already doing it tough are used to doing it tough and are therefore better equipped to take this blow as well.


“It’s the difference between kicking someone for no reason and kicking them when they’re already down. When they’re down they’re probably too busy noticing all the other kicks to even care about yours. It’s utilitarian, in a sense. We’re doing what we can for the greater good.”


Turnbull insisted that the funding disparity could serve a necessary purpose in adapting schools to the wider world around them.


“A lack of education funding is itself an important lesson. We’re trying to get children acclimatised to the wealth gap from as early as possible. We don’t want our children to grow up expecting that they will receive the adequate support they need only to be shocked by a cruel and brutal world. We need to introduce that cruelty to them as early as possible.


“We want our children to be ready to adapt to anything. It’s what will help them get by in the dangerous new world. What better way to create that scavenger instinct than making them have to be scavengers from day one? We’re fostering a generation that will be ready for whatever Mad Max styled hellscape we leave to them.”





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