The Backburner

4 Mar 2016 - 4:30 PM  UPDATED 4 Mar 2016 - 4:30 PM

The Australian Christian Lobby has today announced plans to enter an ‘anti-float’ into this year’s Sydney Mardi Gras which will drive directly against the overwhelming majority of people participating.


The controversial plan involves the placement of a float at the opposite end of Sydney’s Oxford Street which will then be driven backwards through the parade.


The float, decorated in a grey, lifeless fashion antithetical to that of the Mardi Gras, will give the ACL an opportunity to present their viewpoint to a demographic of people who at this stage would only pay attention to them if they were driving a car towards them.


“It only goes in reverse,” said one campaigner. “We thought that’s the best way to symbolise our thoughts on the whole situation. Everyone is going to be trying to go one way and we’re going to obstinately demand to go in the other direction based on some outdated view on what we believe is ‘traditional’ traffic flow.


“We feel that for too long in the history of Mardi Gras parades the voice of the people who want to go the other way have been drowned out. We’re the ones being silenced. We believe our float has as much of a right to be there as anyone else’s float and it’s important that the Mardi Gras is representative of all voices, including voices that hate it and everything it stands for.


“It may seem like we’re the only float going in the wrong direction and that absolutely everyone else wishes we wouldn’t, but there’s actually a very strong silent majority of other floats going the wrong direction that you just simply can’t see, hear or detect in polling numbers.


“If anyone has a problem with this we’re more than happy to run an extensive poll as we drive down the heart of the parade over whether or not it’s a good idea to do this. Of course, we will not be bound by the result.


“We’re just trying to say that it’s fine for you to have a pride parade and say that you’re proud of who you are - but equally we believe you should be deeply ashamed of who you are and need to change immediately.”


Early designs for the float included a modified cannon designed to fire blankets over anyone seen to be too outrageous, several water hoses that will attempt to remove glitter from all participants and a tube that will deliver a small pamphlet containing a list of deeply personal insults specifically created for every participant.


“We want everyone to be able to have a good time and enjoy themselves but feel that other people living their lives will lessen the enjoyment we have living ours. That’s not acceptable. It’s not that we believe they are bad people - we just want the law to reflect a belief that they are not equal to the rest of us. Is that so bad?”





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