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The Backburner

19 Apr 2016 - 11:08 AM  UPDATED 19 Apr 2016 - 11:12 AM

Preparations for a double-dissolution election have begun, with the ABC’s best scientists gathering this morning to remove Election Guru Antony Green from the cryogenic stasis he is kept in between Federal elections.


An early election is almost certain now following the blocking of the ABCC bill by the Senate last night, with the Prime Minister expected to recommit to the double dissolution today before officially calling a July 2 election following the release of the Federal Budget.


Antony Green will be removed from a self-imposed artificial hibernation, intended to keep him fresh and fully revitalised for each contest, ready and raring to analyse all polling data for the next eight weeks of campaigning.


“We’re thrilled to have Antony back amongst us,” said one executive. “He’s an unparalleled leader in election analysis. It’s why we keep him in the cryogenic chamber between each Federal campaign, so we might preserve him for future generations.


“Some say the owning and maintaining of a fully-functioning cryogenic chamber is an unnecessary cost and burden on the taxpayer but frankly it pays off when we have the most up-to-date election analysis. Hell, it helps us predict whether the budget will be slashed and we’ll have to choose to cut power to either Roy or HG’s chamber.”


The thawing process is expected to take a full day to complete, with Green expected to be mostly unresponsive for the first day.


“We have to protect him for that first 24 hours post release from hibernation. It’s the time when he’s most vulnerable to tampering or being plunged into absurd and endless debates about senate voting reform. We cannot have that happen again.


“Hopefully this election campaign will be swift and over and done with so we may return Antony to his chamber so that he might be preserved for future generations.”



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