Saturday’s vote couldn’t be more important. Our nation is at a turning point. Turmoil and political instability amongst our major allies has made it even more important that a stable Australia requires sound leadership. That’s why this weekend we’re urging our readers to scrunch up their voting paper into a tight little ball and then throw it right in the face of the nearest bird.
The Backburner has long had an admitted political leaning towards godless anarchy, and with the world so in the balance right now there’s never been a better time to throw your vote at a bird and add a little bit more chaos to the world, for the good of your nation.
While the major parties claim to have long term plans and the minor parties promise the world, only throwing your ballot at a bird will give you the immediate satisfaction and assurance that you should receive when casting your vote.
Here’s the thing:
You hate the bird. The bad bird on the fence post has been looking at you with its gawky bird eyes from the moment you stepped into the polling station. First it looks at you with its left eye, then it turns its whole head and looks at you with the right eye. It’s gross and weird. You hate the bird.
The bird deserves to have your ballot thrown at it. It’s the sensible choice for Australia. If we wish to be a strong and competitive nation on a global scale we need ordinary citizens like you to ping the bird with your vote.
Now, with an overblown senate paper you have a real chance to create a tight ball with the heft necessary to really clock a bird, even as it tries to fly away.
Naysayers will argue that throwing your ballot at a bird will do nothing to fix the systemic problems within our system and our nation but to them we say this:
Yes it will.
We implore our readers, when you go to the polls tomorrow, think of your family, think of your nation, and think of your deep residing hatred of the bad bird that mocks you with its flight. Scrunch up your ballot paper and throw it right at that bird. For the good of your country.
The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or before operating heavy machinery.