Forget about Hillary and Trump it's past time we addressed the elephant in the room and elected someone that can talk to elephants with their mind.
Ben McLeay

29 Jul 2016 - 1:10 PM  UPDATED 29 Jul 2016 - 1:10 PM

America is founded on the principle that anyone can do anything if they work hard enough - no matter your stature or your status, if you set your mind to it you can make anything come true. For this to work people really need to believe that it’s possible, they need to see people like them who have achieved the very dreams they themselves aspire to. We call this ‘representation’, having people from all walks of life occupying important positions throughout society.


What more important position in America is there than the President? Lots of kids grow up wanting to be the President, but imagine how it would feel if no one like you had ever held the position? That’s why it’s about time we finally had a President with the supernatural ability to speak to animals using their mind.


It seems almost ridiculous to complain about it in 2016, as a society we’ve been fine with those who use telepathy to communicate the animalia for decades, and yet barely any of them have assumed public office - why is that? Are we actively discriminating against these gifted individuals, or are the odds just stacked against them in a society that predominantly talks to animals using words and hand gestures?


People might argue that it’s a meritocracy - that no one in Congress or the Presidential office has been able to psychically communicate with animals because no one who can psychically communicate with animals has been good enough for the job, but at this point it’s so statistically unlikely as to be completely absurd.


You’re telling me that not a single congressman has found a magical cube or been exposed to a form of radiation that allowed him to meld minds with the birds and the whales? Not bloody likely. Every day you pass dozens of people on the street who can give directions to dogs with nothing but the supernaturally gifted powers of their mind, and yet none of them are represented in politics.


It’s almost like society has something to fear from giving them power. Yes, in theory they can command armies of beasts that could theoretically wipe out the cities of men and bring human civilisation to a standstill as they used the savage power of nature to tear down the infrastructure required to support us. But that’s not quite how it works in reality.


The ability to talk to a bear doesn’t give you the ability to control a bear. Like any communication, it’s a dialogue. Particularly charismatic animal psychics could certainly exert a puppet-master-like strength of will over a target animal, but convincing an entire legion of bears to attack a human city would be next to impossible.


Regardless, even if they did have the power to destroy humanity with an army of lions or wolves, who says they would? Except for the one time Professor Biosphere wiped Chicago off the map with his army of intercepted migratory birds, no one in the history of America has ever used their animal communication powers for anything worse than petty crime.


Just because the occasional street kid has psychically befriended a rat and taught him how to lift wallets doesn’t mean we tar every person who could potentially befriend a rat with their mind with the same brush. Humans who can’t psychically communicate with animals (or “normies”) commit crimes all the time, and yet they are still elected into positions of power and allowed to become CEOs of massive corporations.


This isn’t the 1970s: we don’t burn people at the stake anymore if they’re found out to have said hello to a dolphin using their inner or “third” eye. We know that just because moths whisper their secrets to some people doesn’t mean that those people are weird. We live side by side harmoniously with these animal psychics - we don’t BBQ them anymore, we BBQ with them.


So before you vote for Trump or even Hillary, have a think about the kids with the gift of animal telepathy who are growing up now, who think it’s impossible for a person with animal telepathy to become President, because it’s never been done before. These kids need hope, and possibly some sort of institute to help them refine their powers.

Don’t put another normie in the White House, give your vote to Professor Biosphere.




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