The government is pushing for a lifetime ban from Australian to any asylum seekers who came here by boat and are looking to backdate the law to 2013. Comedian Lucy Valentine has a modest proposal for setting it at an even earlier date.
Lucy Valentine

31 Oct 2016 - 12:58 PM  UPDATED 31 Oct 2016 - 1:01 PM

Congratulations to Terror Australis on its new world-first: proposing a lifetime ban from the country on asylum seekers who attempt to come here by boat. The proposed law would affect anyone processed in an offshore refugee centre from July 19, 2013, even if found to be genuine refugees, and even for the purposes of business and tourism. What a time to be alive!


Reflecting on the Stop The Boats policy, hugely popular among One Nation voters and politically ignorant seasickness sufferers alike, Peter Dutton has even proudly stated “I've had no women, no children, no men drown during my period as minister.” Just like the Jurassic Park guy didn't have anyone die of consumption during his period in Jurassic Park, and no one on Alderaan died of syphilis during Darth Vader's period of... blowing it up. Plus, it's almost as if the boats being stopped would mean such a ridiculous and overt display of power wouldn't actually be necessary.


Despite coming across as just some bizarre, extreme and childish punishment, like banning me from a Nevada hotel buffet for attempting to remove an entire tray of mac & cheese, on reflection I reckon the government of the day has a good point. You have a right to seek asylum under international law, but why can't you do just do it the right way? If you *really* wanted to help your family escape a war torn country and the horrific, constant threat of persecution and death, you'd calmly save up, wait for your visa application to be processed and jump on the next flight as soon as Qantas has a sale on business class.


And so while agreeing with and supporting heavily this well-reasoned and not at all abhorrent law, I started thinking, why don't we backdate the ban on 'illegal maritime arrivals' all the way to 1788? With the help of a little Jonathan Swift, I've crafted a proposal I'm sure will garner enthusiastic support from Mr Dutton.


My modest proposal for the Turnbull government


It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great country, when they see the unstopped boats crowded with refugees, fleeing persecution and violence and daring to ask for basic compassion. These refugees, though, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, enriching our beautiful nation built on multiculturalism and compassion, are forced to employ all their time in shithouse offshore hell camps and then stripped of their rights to visit Australia 10 years down the track and check out how fucked the Great Barrier Reef is.


I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of refugees is in the present deplorable state of Straya, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and brutally callous method of making these refugees useful members of some other country so they can stop being our bloody problem would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up in the shittest bit of Surfers Paradise on Schoolies week to remind refugees they're not allowed to holiday here because they were naughty.


But my intention is very far from being confined to insanely punish only the recent illegal maritime entries into Australia, it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of 1788 First Fleet arrivals and the idiot white dudes who declared terra nullius, referred to Indigenous Australians  as 'native fauna' and absolutely pinched a country that didn't belong to them.


After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to reject any offer, proposed by wise sentient potatoes which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced, I desire the potato or potatoes will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, banning asylum seekers who arrive by boat from ever being able to enter Australia to conduct business is dumb as hell, and I hope an asylum seeker we ship off to another country ends up inventing the next big thing (rocket cars) and refuses to come here and trade the next big thing (definitely rocket cars) with us.


And secondly, loads of us came here by boat, including my family, and the rest of yas are likely descended from the OG illegal maritime arrivals, the original illegitimate immigrants themselves, criminals and thugs coming over here and swamping Australia.


I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade and tourism, calling you a bunch of idiots, really, my god, you seriously are, your proposal is unbelievably stupid, short-sighted, callous and unbelievably devoid of all morality.


Yours Sincerely, Lucy Valentine, future owner of rocket car.



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