As you march on towards your 30th birthday, you will begin to notice an abundance of lists where people give helpful advice on what women should have achieved before they are 30. These are usually to do with health, finances, and relationships, but comedian Rebecca Shaw has some different ideas on what is important. Time to train some cats.
Rebecca Shaw

9 Jan 2017 - 1:50 PM  UPDATED 9 Jan 2017 - 1:57 PM

Age is just a number, they say. And this is true, if you want to be incredibly naive and believe technicalities such as ‘facts’ and ‘meanings’. But I think we all know that age is not really a number, even though it is literally just a number Instead, it is a countdown, timing the years until our eventual deaths.


But not to worry, according to many articles written over the years, this countdown is also an effective way to become motivated (terrified) into sorting out your life and achieving the things we are all meant to achieve in the exact same progression in the exact same way that society has determined is correct for us all to achieve the perfect tepid amount of happiness (and coincidentally perpetuating the capitalist system).


For women especially, heading towards 30 and beyond can be a concerning time, as society makes it clear to us from an early age that our worthiness depends on our youth and beauty, and unfortunately it is just not possible to continue to be desirable and beautiful once you are out of your early 20s. A 27-year-old woman acting in a film? No thank you very much, disgusting. How am I supposed to munch on delicious popcorn while having to see the haggard face of a woman in her late twenties?


In any case, it is extremely important that you use your 20s as a time to figure out things. Your 20s are a valuable time to come into your own, decide what you want from your life, and get on the path to achieving it. That’s why so many lists have been put together with financial, beauty, and relationship advice, advising us of what to tick off before you reach the big one, and informing you of how your life now sucks and that you are living it the wrong way. As someone who hit 30 a while ago and is who is still absolutely #thriving (with my life partners Netflix and UberEats), I have put together my own list of things you absolutely must and should achieve before you turn 30, in order to make the rest of your life more fulfilling, happier, and successful.


Get Out Of Debt


This is not going to be fun, but the hard work now will really pay off in the long run. Learn to budget by taking advantage of the many free online budgeting templates. Make sure you note down what you are buying and where your money is going. Make a payment plan to pay off debts, and really knuckle down for a bit. Entering your 30s with a clean slate will feel amazing. It’s time to act now.


Solve A Murder Mystery On A Train


If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a million times.


Every. Woman. Should. Solve. A. Murder. Mystery. On. A. Train. Journey. At. Least. Once. Before. They. Turn. Thirty.


Some famous sayings, such as this extremely well-known one about solving murders on a train, become clichés because they are true and real.


Do you really want to end your twenties and go into your thirties without having been on a long train journey where the person in the next seat to you turns up dead in mysterious circumstances, and you take it upon yourself to lock down the carriage and put the occupants through a series of clever tests to determine which one committed the murder, all the while wearing a monocle and speaking in an English accent for some reason? Well, DO YOU?


Find A Doctor You Trust


Knowing your body is extremely important, especially as you get older and will have to start keeping an eye on signs and changes that could indicate health problems. To this end, it is also extremely important to find a doctor you trust implicitly. Investing time and maybe even money to have a doctor you can build a relationship with will change everything. Do not settle for a doctor that you are unhappy or unsatisfied with, find one that works best for you.


Eat An Entire Deodorant Stick


You cannot do this with one of the newfangled liquid deodorant sticks. Invest a decent amount of money in a deodorant stick that is solid, but soft and easy to chew*. Don’t rush the decision; go to the supermarket or beauty product store and smell a wide variety of sticks before deciding which one smells most delicious to you. Enjoying the smell is a good indicator you will enjoy the disgusting chemicals you are about to ingest.


Ask For A Raise


Women often get stuck in lower positions and receive lower pay. Some people say this is because of the wage gap and inherent positive bias towards men and negative bias against women, but I know it is simply because women couldn’t be bothered asking for more money. Don’t let this carry on into your 30s!! Put down that Cosmo and go to your boss and ask for a raise, see what happens. It might even work.


Train Seven Cats To Cling To Your Body In Lieu Of A Coat


Coats are expensive. Cats are great. It’s cold, and you will feel the cold more once you hit 30. So simply train seven abandoned cats to cling to your body, creating the shape of a coat, and giving you all warmth.


Befriend Older Women


When you are in your 20s you have probably started to add on new friends to your high school and uni friends, and a good tip is to try and hang out with some older women. Even women only a few years your senior may be a bit further progressed in their lives, and will probably be font of wisdom and lifehacks. Also they can be really cool and funny and pretty and have good ideas and obviously have heaps of friends already but wouldn't say no to some more and they write funny lists for SBS Comedy.


Accidentally Get Your Shoelaces Stuck In An Escalator


Have you ever really LIVED if you haven’t experienced the THRILL of the ADRENALINE PUMPING through your body that moment that your SHOELACES get caught in the bottom of the escalator as you leave it? No, no you haven’t. Don’t turn 30 without feeling something.


Read More Books Written By Women


Reading books not only expands your worldview, your vocabulary, and gives you screen-free stress relief time, but it is also the perfect way to support women, and hear women’s voices that have been marginalised throughout history. You will learn new perspectives, all while refreshing and relaxing your brain.


Follow A Dog All The Way To Its Home And Tell Its Owner You Are Friends  


If you see a dog on the street, by itself or being walked by someone, follow the dog all the way to its home. When you attempt to enter the front gate behind the pair, the owner may ask you what you are doing. Tell the owner the dog is your friend. Do not say ‘best friend’ as this is not believable.


Engage In Less Negative Talk About Your Body


This is a hard one, women are programmed from a very young age to hate themselves, and in particular how they look. But just as you look at the women in your life that you love and wish they wouldn’t say critical things about themselves because they are beautiful, try to treat yourself just as well.


Marry ‘Hotdogs’ from Big Brother 2005 and ‘The Up-Late Game Show With Hotdogs’


Health, relationships, money, family, planning – these are all excellent things to start to think about and get under control when you are in your 20s and heading towards the big Three-Zero. But the best thing you can do for yourself? Court, date, and marry Hotdogs, from Big Brother 2005 and ‘The Up-Late Game Show With Hotdogs’. 


*please obviously do not eat a deodorant stick


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