It may come as something of a shock to you, but SBS Comedy has beaten the world’s most prominent mastheads to the scoop of the century. You may want to sit down for this one. The New York Times, CNN, The Washington Post… they all dropped the ball.
We’re all distinctly aware of the hullabaloo around Trump’s tweets over the weekend alleging that the Obama administration took the unprecedented and highly criminal step of wiretapping the phones in Trump Tower during the presidential campaign. The corrupt and biased liberal fake news complex derided Trump’s masterful and presidential tweets about something he probably read in a Facebook comments thread as a lie.
Can you imagine? The audacity to doubt the president?
We are here to tell you that despite the constant campaign by the media deep state to undermine and overwhelm Trump, the man was right. Obama did wiretap Trump’s communications – and we have the tapes to prove it. The picture they paint is of a man with a clear vision for the country – a complex thinker and skilled strategist who knows what America needs to become great again.
To counter the enormous and vicious fake news complex, we have decided on the advice of our lawyers to publish the transcripts as they are – a vision into a leader, a statesman and a man of God. These are portraits of a skilled operator in the height of campaign mode, and a man utterly in control of his quest to save America.
TRUMP: You ever stare into a mirror, then back at your own gnarled, shaking hands, then back at the mirror again, your eyes filled with a hollow horror at every terrible thing you have done and will ever do?
TRUMP: You know, staring into a dirty, cracked bathroom mirror, contemplating the myriad sins for which you will never be able to atone? You ever do that?
BANNON: No, can’t say I have.
TRUMP: You sure? Never become so consumed with rage and horror at the shell of a human being you have become, twisted by greed and the empty pursuit of wealth that you put your fist through that mirror, as if to destroy not only the reflection but the man himself?
TRUMP: Mm. Me neither.
TRUMP: When it comes down to it, I don’t actually give a single crap about this immigration stuff – or this political stuff at all, actually.
STAFFER: Huh? You don’t?
TRUMP: No, I really don’t. I want to serve America, but I know there’s only one thing that can be done to save her. It’s risky, but I know that it’s what everyone in this country wants. Sad that I need to become President to do it, but…
STAFFER: And what’s that?
TRUMP: I want to dunk on Malcolm Turnbull so hard he cries. I want to do the verbal equivalent of pantsing him in front of the girls’ table at school. I need to do it over the phone, so he doesn’t even get the satisfaction of seeing my face when I do it.
STAFFER: Malcolm who?
TRUMP: Soon you will know.
TRUMP: Ohio. We need to campaign in Ohio. Big state, a fantastic state. Really wonderful. The people, so fantastic. The best people, the best of people.
CONWAY: Absolutely. Do we want to take the campaign through there next week? We can arrange that.
TRUMP: No, I can’t go through there. Not me. I want to send my boys.
CONWAY: Your boys?
TRUMP: My boys. My beautiful big boys. Donald Jr. and Eric. They need to go to Ohio.
CONWAY: I’m not sure about this one, Donald. The focus group testing on Don Jr and Eric is pretty poor. People think they’re spoiled brats.
TRUMP: We need to send my wonderful sons. My beautiful boys, Donald and Eric. They have such lovely smiles, and the people love them. Everywhere they go people give them wonderful gifts, and leave trails of gorgeous flowers in their wake. Donald and Eric are such beautiful, big, generous boys. People idolise them. They want to kiss them.
CONWAY: Well, actually…
TRUMP: Every day Donald and Eric aren’t in front of the population, everyone is asking “Where are Donald and Eric?Where are Trump’s wonderful sons? Where are the big, sturdy boys with their cherubic grins that we love so very dearly?”
CONWAY: OK. I’ll call them.
TRUMP: Steak. Well done. With ketchup.
BANNON: The people aren’t going to like this Donald. It makes you seem like you’re either twelve years old or an unstable maniac.
TRUMP: Steak. Well done. With ketchup.
BANNON: I think medium-rare with gravy is much better optics –
TRUMP: I want this steak burned to a crisp. I want it to look like a lump of cooled magma, you hear me? And I want so much ketchup it looks like it was just murdered. I want this to look like some kind of ancient fossil pulled from the bottom of the sea, dipped in blood.
BANNON: Why don’t you just go for the chicken breast?
TRUMP: Chicken breast is absolutely acceptable.