With a Coles manager coming under fire for asking staff to work on a Sunday in exchange for the joy of ‘appreciation’ (and also pizza) Comedian Lucy Valentine addresses the age old question: why won’t these entitled idiot children do labour without insisting you pay them?
Lucy Valentine

20 Mar 2017 - 12:44 PM  UPDATED 20 Mar 2017 - 2:37 PM

I am so sick of this entitled generation of sensitive youths who think they should get ‘participation trophies’ and be ‘appropriately remunerated for the labour I demand of them.’ I know it is a big ask to expect staff to spend their Sundays doing shit for me and getting paid absolutely zero dollars in return, but there’ll be a shithouse Domino’s meatlovers in it for you, if you play your cards right. Two slices only, I’m not bloody made of money.


I know you’d like to break into the housing market, or just be able to afford your rent, but I would really appreciate if you would accept payment in the form of one of the following: pizza, exposure, pancake parlour coupons that expire next Tuesday or access to my Netflix account but only between 8am-5pm when I’m not using it because I only pay for one device.


These damn delinquents leave work at exactly the time they’re legally entitled to leave, so that they may go home to snap a selfie and log on to their apps. Back in my day, we’d stay behind for our daily spankings like respectable employees. That is why at the young age of 47 I have moved up the ranks and become the manager of this Coles, and only receive one spanking per month from the CEO, to which I request another. Never underestimate where hard work can get you!


Not only do these dumb baby idiots leave at 5pm because that’s when they were paid until, they also refuse to come to my house and help with my renovations. I have asked my staff three times to do my plumbing repairs and paint my second bathroom, and each time they refuse. I’m starting to think they don’t even appreciate the exposure I am offering them.


Back in my day, we sucked it up and allowed the gradual erosion of our labour rights and the declining distinction between work and home life, like any civilised person with self respect should.


If you won’t work for pizza, what the hell do you want? Appropriate compensation? Not being pressured from above to engage in illegal working conditions out of fear of getting less hours and being unable to support yourself financially? More apps? A selfie stick with more apps in it? We will never know.


I am truly mystified by these youngsters and their desire for bizarre things such as ‘time with friends and family,’ and ‘a fulfilling life free of exploitation where their efforts are respected.’ Not one person has given me a participation trophy for purchasing a home during an opportune economic period, getting ahead financially at the expense of my staff, and charging an exorbitant rental price in both my investment properties. Life is about making the right decisions.


The right decision is to do work for me for free, idiots.




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