The government's controversial data retention laws are now in effect, requiring all ISPs to store customer's telecommunications metadata. Comedian Lucy Valentine is concerned for many reasons, but is mainly just wishing she had already Googled these embarrassing things.
Lucy Valentine

13 Apr 2017 - 3:48 PM  UPDATED 13 Apr 2017 - 3:48 PM

The government’s controversial data retention laws are in effect as of yesterday, and ASIO staff are definitely already sitting around the office with a big picture of my face, laughing hysterically at my disgusting health problems and the fact I didn’t know pee is, in fact, stored in the balls.


It’s true, the government is collecting metadata for one reason and one reason only: to just sit around absolutely owning me specifically for the things I Google. Some real Orwellian shit if you ask me. Now I’m going to have to actually read the entire Orwell collection to learn exactly what I mean by that. Like some kind of ANIMAL.


Anyways, it’s too late for everything now. Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish accessing your personal metadata required a warrant. Ah, the good old days.


Here is all the embarrassing shit I wish I’d Googled before the world became exactly like that film I can’t remember the name of but don’t want to look dumb by searching my own vague description of the plot line.


“What milquetoast mean”


It’s too late to admit I’ve laughed at tweets using this word and haven’t the faintest clue what it means. Is it honestly pronounced like milk toast? If someone called me this should I be upset? This has gone too far. It’s like when you forget someone’s name in the office but you’ve known them for 3 years you’ve helped them move house and you’ve been invited to their daughter’s wedding, you can’t fucking ask them now. That is extremely milquetoast, to me. Just milquetoast as hell.


“Pronounce pho but not like in wanker way”


I just want to pronounce it correctly enough to not seem like a massive white dickhead but also not so correctly that I sound like a massive Kevin Rudd about it.


“Bee Movie erotic fiction”


The lady wanted the bee badly, and I would bet a small child’s life on the fact that has been explored, in great erotic detail, on the internet. And that’s something I need to know about.


“Leftover kebab how many days room temperature”


What if I get food poisoning now? I’m gonna be too embarrassed too Google the colour and texture of what is coming out of my body, whether I have cancer or not, and thus become a drain on the public hospital system. 


“How make boys like me”


Great, now I’m going to have to actually work on my enormous flaws instead.


“Which wine pair with white bread and Kraft single”


Data retention taking a real sledge hammer to the culinary expertise I pride myself on.


“Did Marilyn Manson really have his ribs removed so could suck himself off?”


The question still in the minds of every ex teen goth.


“Assad good or bad?”


Everyone is gonna know I took all my political knowledge from a NOFX album and I’ve just been winging it ever since.


“George Brandis and ASIO staff big nerd idiots”


I’m going to Google this every day now.



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