The Backburner

14 Jun 2017 - 11:27 AM  UPDATED 14 Jun 2017 - 11:53 AM

In tragic news for Australia’s media landscape, the country’s only newspaper The Backburner will be closed down immediately following the publication of this piece after major errors were found in literally every article it ever published.


The Backburner started three years ago as diversion therapy for the country’s most violent prisoners and quickly became a cult classic among business leaders and sewer folk alike.


Unfortunately, this reputation of delivering Australia’s most reliable and true news service is now under threat after several politicians complained that they had been thoroughly misquoted by The Backburner, and often came off sounding completely hypocritical.


“We have no idea how this could have happened,” Head Writer James Colley told The Backburner. “It would be fine if there was an occasional error but by the looks of it we’re going to have to retract every one of our almost 1,250 articles. There’s major mistakes from top to bottom. A lot of the events described don’t seem to have ever even happened. I have no idea how I let this slip for so long.


“Really, it’s a shocking lapse of judgement. It’s as if the people writing for this publication weren’t journalists at all but were instead a group of deranged sociopaths releasing a bitter cry for help between spoonfuls of paste.


“It’s a shame because with the times we’re living we thought that a publication such as this one could really offer something to the Australian public. Turns out this isn't the case. Still, if The Backburner must end at least it’s due to systemic incompetence instead of what I initially suspected would be our end, political assassination at the dawning of a revolution.


“Personally, I consider it a great honour to have spent three years working with some of the most talented young writers in the country and also Ben McLeay. Our team changed over the years but constantly worked hard to entertain you and I will miss writing these pieces every morning. I must take a moment to thank Neal Downward for allowing us the space to grow, if ultimately it was proven to be a massive mistake. I’d also like to acknowledge my amazing team of Rebecca Shaw, James Hennessy, Eleanor Robertson, Bish Marzook, Nayuka Gorrie, Lucy Valentine, Dee Fidge and even Ben McLeay who all put in an incredible sustained effort. It is a shame they’ll have to be executed but that was a stipulation in their contract.


“This is the end of an era. Sorry, I misspoke. This is the end of an error. It was a terrible error that we were ever allowed to exist and I am glad it has finally been rectified.


“Long live The Backburner.”



The Backburner is Australia's most trusted news source, it is quite obviously satire and shouldn't be taken seriously or before operating heavy machinery.

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