• "My fellow Australians..." (Netflix / iStock)Source: Netflix / iStock
First of all, it would air on Channel 9 and have its timeslot changed so often that no one would even know it was on.
By
Shane Cubis

10 Mar 2016 - 1:26 PM  UPDATED 10 Mar 2016 - 1:32 PM

1. The opening credits would feature Telstra Tower, Gus’s Cafe and Cockington Green.

2. The show would be called Stop the Boats.

3. Four different actors would have played Frank Underwood.

4. The actor who played Frank last season would still be making cameos.

5. No one would find it believable that the Democrats were in power.

6. Q&A’s Tony Jones would have met with an unfortunate accident by now.

7. Niki Savva, too, probably.

8. The train Frank used to kill Zoe Barnes would have run late, ruining his plan.

9. Claire Underwood would be played by Rebecca Gibney.

10. Frank would be the Member for Griffith, having grown up on a dairy farm and gone to a Catholic school.

11. He would unconvincingly pretend to care about State of Origin.

12. Doug Stamper would find it slightly harder to exploit and kill Rachel Posner, thanks to legal prostitution.

13. Last season would have been all about appropriate helicopter use, and Frank cutting down on travel expenses.

14. Freddy Hayes would have run a kebab van instead of a ribs joint.

15. The Australia Works program would have been blocked by micro-parties in the Senate.

16. This season would be all about how Frank’s lost his edge since backstabbing himself last season.

17. Instead of a rowing machine, Frank would run along the beach in budgie smugglers.

18. Julie Bishop would sue the producers over the portrayal of Heather Dunbar – too weak.

19. Heather Dunbar’s kids would obviously go to a private school, and no one would be able to make political capital from this fact.

20. Frank’s old gay lover would confront him publicly on marriage equality at Mardi Gras.

21. Remy Danton would be lobbying to decimate the Great Barrier Reef on behalf on mining companies.

22. He would be played by Brendan Cowell.

23. Remy’s secret relationship with Jackie Sharp would involve a lot more arse-smacking.

24. Bob Hawke would cameo as a thirsty barman.

25. Chinese money-laundering billionaire Raymond Tusk would have been called Plive Calmer.

26. Andrew P Street would’ve been sacked as Frank’s biographer last season.

27. The cyberhacking subplots would be replaced with fourth wall-breaking whinges about the NBN.